Things To Do Instead Of Watching The Last Night Of The Preseason

08.28.14 3 years ago 52 Comments



-Change your opinion on the ice bucket challenge 75 times in the span of an hour.
-Perform Paul McCartney’s “Freedom” at 12 different karaoke bars. Put a little more emphasis on FREEDOM! each time.
-Read David Tyree’s autobiography
-Watch the NFL films video for the 1996 Cardinals. Then, stay up all night writing erotic Kent Graham/Stoney Case fanfiction.
-Watch whatever shitty late-period Simpsons season FXX has gotten to
-Overthrow the government
-Buy a bottle of super super super cheap vodka (like Colonial Club or something), and leave it out in the sun all day. Then, mix it with hot dog water. Drink your concoction while listening to Limp Bizkit’s 2000 masterpiece Chocolate Starfish And The Hot Dog Flavored Water
-Remix every track on Riff Raff’s new album
-Mold your navel lint into an image of Alex Van Pelt
-Find up riled-up right wingers on Twitter who are super anti-immigration (use the #Tcot hashtag) and convince them to boycott Lana Del Rey until she agrees to only perform under the name Lana Of The King
-Listen to this over and over again:
-Make a statue of Guy Fieri out of guacamole and wood chips
-Watch every episode of the short-lived NBC sitcom Good Morning, Miami. Then, pitch an article to Slate explaining why it’s secretly the best show of the 21st century, and the rest of Philistines just don’t get it.
-Listen to all the music Billy Corgan has recorded since 2000.
-Re-read David Tyree’s autobiography
-Write 100,000 word explanation of why Rudy Giuliani’s 2008 campaign strategy of focusing exclsuively on florda was actually sound, but was merely marred by poor execution
-Read 50 Shades Of Grey and spend the rest of the night trying to find a catalog of carpet samples that actually has 50 shades of grey.
-Eat shit
-Re-re-read David Tyree’s autobiography

Things not to do instead of watching the last night of the preseason
-Give money to Darren Wilson

(Editor’s Note – Just kidding, we’re still going to have an open thread tonight because we all know we’re going to watch preseason football like the junkies we are. – ss)

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