We’re in the dreaded post-draft period of the NFL offseason. There’s still no real football for weeks. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best, which is why we have the recurring This Week In Eff You series, to soothe your white hot anger. This week: Columnists who use any bad event to damn American society as a whole.
Jeff Pearlman is the guy who helped ruin John Rocker’s career and gave us the majesty of Charles Haley jacking off in front of his teammates. The world is richer place for knowing such things. I think we all owe typical liberal Jew Pearlman a debt of gratitude for unearthing vital stories involving Charles Haley’s huge cock. But today, Pearlman published an opinion piece over at SI about Big Ben that managed to grate on pretty much everyone who came into direct contact with it. Here’s a sample. You only need a sample, I assure you:
Ben Roethlisberger will begin practicing with the Steelers this week. Therefore, we will cheer.
I know this because we, the sports fanatics of America, cheer for nearly everything… It’s what we do. We cheer.
Yet this time … well, perhaps this time we should think about the whole cheering thing.
…By the time Roethlisberger hits Hines Ward with a deep slant pass in his return to action in October (the suspension can be reduced to four games), Steelers fans will return to wearing his jersey and kissing his feet and begging for autographs.
This is who we are.
This is a shame.
Would you like to become a columnist for virtually any mainstream media outlet? I know EXACTLY how you can achieve that goal. Simply follow these two easy steps.
1. Identify some really bad thing perpetrated by an individual human being
2. Blame it on ALL OF US.
That’s it. Those are the steps. Do that, and you’ll be sipping Pinot in a non-air conditioned summer cottage with that cuntface Joe Klein in no time.
It’s the oldest trick in the columnist handbook. Take something shitty and use it to make some grand pronouncement about how shitty WE are as a society. Big Ben pushed some chick into a bathroom and skeeted all over her. But really, didn’t we ALL push her into a bathroom and collectively flood her with our cumulative jizz, drowning her in our buttery hero worship? Didn’t we ALL rape that poor girl? Didn’t we ALL give Big Ben a punishment too light? Didn’t we ALL decide just now to cheer him on later this season, to overlook all of Big Ben’s evildoing and his gray penis? ISN’T IT OBVIOUS THAT WE’RE ALL TO BLAME FOR THIS? WE CREATED THIS MONSTER!
I fucking hate columns like this. Mike Lupica built his career on this kind of dogshit. Wilbon would be unemployed without it. Even fucking Petchesky used it today. Someone busted into Erin Andrews hotel room? That’s because WE objectified her and compelled a crazy man to film her biscuit! Barry Bonds took steroids? That’s because WE demanded more home runs from our heroes! BP spilled an assload of oil in the Gulf? Well, that’s clearly because WE crave gas and all collectively hired shoddy engineers and unqualified personnel to oversee the rig’s construction and day-to-day maintenance! Are NFL players suffering from serious concussions? That’s because WE need big hits! MORE MORE MORE! Everything everywhere is ALL OUR FAULT! THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!
This so fucking lazy and stupid. You know why some Steelers fans will cheer for Big Ben when he comes back, Pearlman? Because they want their team to win. And, I know this will shock you, but not all of us will actually cheer Big Ben at all. Some of us will boo. Some of us will say HEY BIG BEN, YOU AND YOUR GRAY DICK CAN GO FUCK A COBRA. I know that’s what I’ll do.
And do you know why some of us won’t cheer Ben? Because there is no US. There is no WE. It’s not my fault LeBron James is an overprivileged cocksucker. He brought that shit on himself. Anyone who says, “We made LeBron! We coddle our athletes and place unreasonable expectations on them! He’s a product of THE MACHINE!” is lazy and dumb. There is no machine, except for the PlaschkeBot3000, which churns out this kind of half-assed insight on a thrice-weekly basis. I’ve never coddled an athlete. I’ve never patted them on the head and given them a gold star for gettin’ all rapey. I swear.
Sometimes, an asshole is just an asshole. Okay? Not everything is some glaring symptom of a societal ill. Not every athlete skeeting on a bathroom wall is a clear sign of the decline of Western Civilization. If it were, we’d all be fucking dead by now. Any sportswriter who does this is basically saying ALL OF US ARE BADDDDD, AND ONLY I AM BRAVE ENOUGH TO SEE IT! I’M TOTALLY ABOVE IT ALL! I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT DIDN’T SKEET ON THE GIRL’S CHEST! You’re basically declaring yourself a pompous shithead when you do something like this. What are you gonna do, shithead? Punish us by taking away sports? The world has always been shitty. Your little artful display of melancholy won’t change jack SHIT.
Then again, maybe it’s not Pearlman’s fault he wrote something so blatantly pedantic. Maybe he wrote it because WE are always looking for someone to blame when something bad happens. Maybe WE take comfort in knowing that there aren’t bad people out there, just a bad environment that causes such columns to exist. Maybe WE wrote this column.