We’re in the slowest stretch of the offseason now: the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no football on, and there won’t be football on for quite some time. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, we’re hateful too. Of all things, at all times. Hating is what we do best. So, in that spirit, we present you with the weekly off-topic/offseason feature…
THIS WEEK IN FUCK YOU.
Every week or so, we’ll be taking our lack-of-football-related depression out on any number of deserving targets: people, things, abstract ideas, group dinners, etc. It’s just the kind of cathartic invective we excel at. This week, ELLEN.
There’s so much to hate about Ellen DeGeneres. Comedy Central once named her the 16th greatest stand up comic of all time. This would offend me if the list had been restricted simply to lesbian comics. But no, that’s ALL comics, and they ranked her ahead of people like Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison, Steven Wright, Dave Chappelle, Louis CK, Dave Attell, Robert Schimmel, and HOLY LIVING FUCK HAS THIS GODDAMN WOMAN EVER SAID A FUNNY FUCKING THING IN HER ENTIRE EXISTENCE? I’m offended even Sinbad ranks below her. I’m not joking. I’ve laughed at a Sinbad joke before.
I have no idea how this woman remains an enormous success as a comedian when she’s so painfully incompetent at the simple task of making other people laugh. “Oh, look at me! I’m stammering! I can barely get out my joke! I have no confidence!” But that’s not what truly angers me about Ellen DeGeneres. I can take that people in Hollywood bestow her with lousy show after lousy show as some kind of odd thank you for being gay on TV for a while. I can take that American Express pays her ungodly sums to be the face of her company because…? I can take that she gets to nail Portia DeRossi and I do not. Whatever. Shit happens.
No, I’ll tell you what really pisses me the fuck right off. It’s the fucking dancing.
Seriously, what the fuck is this shit? This is entertainment? They really let this woman have a show where she fucking dances her retarded dances for five-minute stretches and people find that enthralling? Really? I don’t watch the Ellen talk show, but it pains me to know that people are losing jobs all over the goddamn place, and yet somehow, some way, someone finds value in this woman dancing around like the whitest white that ever whited. Honestly, it’s fucking embarrassing.
And that’s not even enough for this woman. No, she has to get everyone else around her to jump up and start moving around with her, like an epileptic that’s been shot. And she has to get all her fucking guests to do it too. Bitch, YOU CAN’T FUCKING DANCE. STOP RUINING DANCING FOR THE THREE PEOPLE OUT THERE MAY OR MAY NOT ENJOY IT. What is the point of this? “I can’t dance, but I like having fun and you should too?” This is not a wedding, honey. No one around you is drunk. It’s not okay to be that white and that shitty at dancing and force it upon others. You are not spreading joy with your spastic tardrhythms. You are making people uncomfortable.
I swear to God, I see those American Express commercials and I want to shoot myself in the fucking face. Someone thought seeing this woman dance poorly was good enough to dedicate millions of dollars in both media and production money. WHAT IN THE LIVING FUCK? I don’t get it. Of all the people who are rich and famous out there despite being aggressively untalented, it’s Ellen DeGeneres that pisses me off the most. Because people like Kim Kardashian never intended to be talented to begin with. Yet this woman is regarded as some kind of fucking icon, despite being untalented in so many annoying different ways.
FUCK YOU ELLEN DEGENERES. AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN.