We’re now in the dreaded post-draft stretch of the NFL offseason. There’s no real football on, and there still won’t be for weeks. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best, which is why we have the offseason series, This Week In F–k You. This week: Screen doors.
I have a screen door at the entrance of my house. Like most every piece of shit screen door in the world, it has two pumping mechanisms attached at the top and bottom so that it automatically closes after you open it. I haven’t taken these pneumatic pumping mechanisms off the door, and I don’t know why I haven’t, because SCREEN DOORS WILL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS.
Why the fuck are these things designed to automatically close anyway? Has anyone anywhere ever gone through life without being forcibly assaulted by a fucking screen door on multiple occasions? I have a regular door in front of the screen door and I never forget to keep it closed, lest my home be invaded by cicadas or hot air or burglars or frotteurs or cunts from Verizon. The regular door TRUSTS that I will close it. The screen door offers no such faith. It just stands there, ready at all times to fucking ruin my shit any time someone in front of me lets it go unexpectedly. It’s a door designed BY retards FOR retards.
Ever get hit by a screen door? Does it not make you want to rip the fucking thing off its hinges and stomp it into oblivion? Screen doors are so rude when they hit you. “HEADS UP FUCKFACE HERE I COME BANG BANG BANG HOW WAS THAT?” You flimsy piece of dogshit! You ruined my summer! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.
And those fucking little metal things you slide to try and keep the door open? WORTHLESS. Not only do they fail to keep the door open. No, no. They hold the door open just long enough so that you THINK they’ll work, only to immediately slide back into place the second you pass through. Oh, I’m sorry. Were you trying to walk into your own home? WELL FUCK YOU, SKIPPY. I’m tired of having to reach up and down and get axel grease all over my fingers trying to get these things into the exact right position. They don’t work, and they’re on screen doors EVERYWHERE, like some kind of herpetic virus. Why are they there? Because the people who make them think you’re too stupid to remember to close the door yourself. They’re an indictment of our national intellect, is what they are.
There’s no reason the default setting for screen doors can’t be the same as normal doors. There’s no reason I should have to spend every grocery trip dreading the return home and having to keep the fucking screen door open while I try and maneuver into the house with four grocery bags in my hand, because I ain’t making two trips. That’s for suckers. Half my parenting life is spent holding the goddamn door open for myself or for kids or for some shit that I have to jam into the house. I’m sick of it. I’m taking those fucking pumps off the door right now, because screen doors are bullshit. You hear me? BULLSHIT.