This Week In F–k You: The Ocean

05.17.13 83 Comments

Summer is almost here. This means a number of things: warm weather, the smell of fresh cut grass, sitting outside after dinner with an iced tea or adult beverage and laughing with friends, etc. But it also means a bunch of disturbed people are going to fire up their misguided love affair with the ocean. “Oh, the ocean is so relaxing,” they’ll say, like idiots. “I love everything about it. The smell, the sound, playing in the waves, all of it. It’s just so peaceful.” Nope. Nope nope nope. First of all, human beings have no business in the ocean. We don’t have fins, we don’t have gills, and if we spend too long with our faces inside the ocean instead of on top of it, we will die. The only people who should spend any time at all dealing with the ocean are 50-year-old, barrel-chested fishing boat captains who look like Ernest Hemingway and don’t believe in melanoma. Everyone else, back to dry land.

And second, even if you insist on trifling with the ocean despite the obvious biological reasons to avoid it, it is terrifying and awful for a million reasons. Here are a few.

Sharks. I have gone on my anti-shark rant at many times and in many places, but here it is again because it doesn’t seem to be sinking in for some of you: Sharks are scaled-down, torpedo-shaped dinosaurs that have a mouth full of steak knives. They have barely evolved over the past 100+ million years because they were already perfect predators. If you see one, and it wants to eat you, you are dead. It’s that simple. A Great White shark can swim up to 25 mph. The fastest humans in the world can swim around 5 mph. This means that if you took an average Great White and put it up against Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps in a 400m freestyle race in the middle of the oean, the shark would just f-cking eat him as soon as it got hungry because it’s a shark and sharks don’t give a sh-t about races.

Yeah, but sharks only eat humans because they mistake us for seals.

Oh, so there are giant, dead-eyed beasts swimming around the ocean that launch themselves to the surface teeth-first and kill indiscriminately because they’re too dumb to tell the difference between a seal and four-limbed mammal standing on a 7-foot piece of fiberglass? That makes me feel better.

Yeah, but more people die every year from bee stings than from shark attacks.

Fine. F-ck bees, too.

The ocean is full of other monsters, too. Like this one.

There is no reason that thing needs to exist.

Tsunamis. All natural disasters are bad in their own way. Earthquakes shake the ground under your feet to the point that solid structures made out of brick and cement crumble like sand castles. Tornadoes can pop up on short notice and deposit the roof of your house in a field two towns over. Sinkholes can swallow up half a neighborhood in a heartbeat. But tsunamis are the worst because they are giant walls of water that speed toward shore at hundreds of miles an hour as the result of an earthquake, and once they get there they destroy property not only with the force of their initial impact, but also with massive amounts of water damage. They are the earth’s version of a 300 lb. lineman jumping on top of a pile after the whistle has blown and poking people in the eye and twisting their nuts. Flag on Mother Nature. 15 yards.

And speaking of terrifying walls of water…

Rogue waves. From Wikipedia: “Rogue waves (also known as freak waves, monster waves, killer waves, extreme waves, and abnormal waves) are relatively large and spontaneous ocean surface waves that occur far out at sea, and are a threat even to large ships and ocean liners.” Read that sentence a few times. Really let it sink in.

The only saving grace in the concept of monstrous waves appearing at random and destroying cruise ships is that you can avoid them completely by, like, not going on a cruise. Ever. Not even at gunpoint.

But cruises are so much fun. You can eat and drink all you want!

You can also do that at an all-inclusive resort. Resorts do not sink or break down and leave you stranded in the middle of nowhere or get attacked by pirates.

Actually, I heard crime is on the rise at a lot of the resorts in Mexico, because of the drug cartels.

Fine, here are some all-inclusive ski resorts, which you should also not go to because they will be cold and skiing is just a really expensive version of falling down a mountain.

So what am I supposed to do with my vacation then?

Watch Game of Thrones and drink wine in your house.

The Bloop. Back in 1997 scientists heard a super-loud, low-frequency sound coming from the bottom of the ocean. There was some speculation that the sound was biological because of its “organic nature,” which, if true, would have made it the loudest sound ever made by a living thing. By a lot. Or, to be more blunt, AHHHH GIANT OCEAN MONSTER AAAHHHH EVERYBODY RUN SAVE YOURSELVES AHHHHHHHH.

Now, technically, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) released a report last year that dispelled this notion by pointing out that the noise was probably just an ice quake (a common event that involves a massive ice shelf breaking up in Antarctica), but I would like to point out two things about this report: 1) THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK. Open your eyes, sheeple; and 2) …

Ice quakes. Yes, I know I just said these are common and not all that harmful, but goddamn “ice quake” is a scary term. I mean, if you’re sitting there thinking “Yeesh. That sounds like the title of one of those creepy, cheaply produced Syfy Original Movies,” there’s a good reason for that: It already was. Starring Victor Garber as Colonel Bill Hughes.

But seriously, about those deep sea monsters. Have you guys seen the trailer for Pacific Rim? It is awesome. At one point a giant robot hucks a battleship at the face of an equally huge … something … that rose from the bottom of the sea and started terrorizing society, which is great because I have been saying for years that there are not enough movies where giant robots huck battleships at things. But it is also my greatest fear come to life.

My point is this: If The Bloop turns out to be a skyscraper-sized version of that thing from the picture I posted a little earlier, but with arms and legs and the ability to survive on land and THE TASTE FOR HUMAN FLESH, I am going to be livid.

F-ck the ocean.

Banner image via Shutterstock

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