This Week in F–k You: This F–king Sh*tstorm of an Offseason

08.28.14 3 years ago 66 Comments

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Fuck this godforsaken, barren seven months of having to talk and write about everything that isn’t a football game.

Fuck having to write a post every few days about whatever callous, tone-deaf public relations nightmare pile of shit Dan Snyder and his marketing team have stepped into in any particular week. Of course we’re still going to write about Snyder and his shit-stains every week during the season, but at least we’ll be able to watch clips of honest to goodness football while doing so and remind ourselves that we actually fucking like this sport.

Fuck having to compare every single minor infraction and disciplinary hearing against the backdrop of the Ray Rice suspension.

Fuck the Ravens social media team.

Fuck Jerry Jones and the “was he going to or was he not going to draft Johnny Manziel” discussion for the past four months. Even David Chase, Bill Murray and Ridley Scott think Jones should make up his mind and tell everyone WHAT DID THE DRAFT CARD ACTUALLY SAY.

Fuck having to endlessly talk about the Vikings special teams unit in a way that does not relate to kicking or blocking. Cannot believe we read a legal brief — A FUCKING LEGAL BRIEF — that discussed hang time this offseason.

Fuck having to pretend that a picture of a car that has velvet ropes around it might belong to Marshawn Lynch is an actual news story because it’s fucking July. Fuck Jimmy Graham not getting wide receiver money.

Fuck Tony Dungy. I say this about his remarks on Michael Sam and the draft during the offseason, but fuck him anyway. At least when we say, “Fuck you, Tony Dungy” on November 11, it will because he will have said something ridiculous about the Colts-Patriots Sunday night game. We get it Tony, what you’re saying about the Colts is TOUGH LOVE and not because you’re trying to pretend you’re impartial to when discussing your old team just like a real journalist and not a fake journalist who has no idea what he’s saying to reporter might be on the record. At least that November “Fuck you, Tony” will be paired with us actually watching a football game.

Fuck talking about the Raiders moving to San Antonio or Portland. Fuck talking about Bon Jovi. Fuck talking about Toronto. Fuck talking about LA getting a team back.

Fuck Jimmy Haslam and his $92 million dollar deal with the Feds. Fuck Bob Kraft dancing at the Beyonce/Jay-Z concert. Fuck Beyonce and Jay-Z while we’re at it. They don’t have shit-all to do with playing football or watching football and no the Super Bowl halftime show does not count. Halftime is take a piss, grab a drink and check your fantasy team, not a sales pitch.

Fuck Jim Irsay for still not being disciplined by the league for being pulled over high and with a wad cash, and then Colts cutting LaVon Brazill for a failed drug test. Fuck having to talk about marijuana in the negative so much and so often. Middle school guidance counselors have more enlighten views on smoking up than The Shield does, which means nearly every week of this shit-storm of an offseason we had to cover WEED: IS IT KILLING FOOTBALL?

Fuck paying cheerleaders less than minimum wage and fuck not doing something about until you’re shamed into it and fuck the Bills for disbanding the Jills for speaking up. Actually, double-fuck the Bills for trying to say the Jills weren’t even their employees.

Fuck Peter King discovering food trucks. In 2014. Fuck all the anonymous NFL personnel. If those guys are full of so many scorching hot tips about gay people, maybe they would have let PK know about food trucks in 2008.

Fuck all the other sites killing the offseason by reporting on Tom Brady’s fashion choices. I’m still fucking watching you pleated khaki, polo shirt-wearing dorks during the season and so help me god if you criticize what that man is wearing or how he has his hair during a football game he better have a live ostrich on his head as a fascinator or I will make sure your life ends next time you look for a clearance rack hoodie in Old Navy. Fuck all their offseason filler brackets while we’re at it too. And NFL Memes.

Fuck the draft getting longer. Fuck how long it took the NFL to announce the schedule this year. No one needs four weeks of foreplay in the spring when they can’t even come until September. Fuck debating Super Bowl sites for 2129. Better get your Titan, Sector 17 stadium approval now, Calgary Texans.

Fuck Tony Romo cursing other sports teams in other leagues just by being there. You save that powerful shit for where it belongs Tony, ruining one of the league’s most storied franchises so we can laugh about it All. Season. Long. (Except for the playoffs.)


Fuck Darren Sharper. Boy did that story disappear fast, though. Why? THERE WERE SO MANY MORE AWFUL THINGS TO TALK ABOUT. Like DeSean Jackson’s alleged gang connections.

God, it was such a more innocent time looking back to the beginning of the offseason when the worst thing that was going on was we were reading Richie Incognito’s text messages. Almost fucking quaint.

We have one more day of preseason football to get through. Tomorrow is it, the real season. Let’s try to have one day, ONE FUCKING DAY WITHOUT YOUR KANGAROO NONSENSE BULLSHIT BAD NEWS NFL, so we can get to the regular season and watch some games for a change.

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