Here at InternetlandiaofClickholesandDeadInside, it is our duty to provide you with the hottest of news, opinionators, explainoroids, asteroids and hemorrhoids, separating the wheat from the chaff and telling you what need to know and what you can ignore now. Immediately. This is what’s now, but not too NOW because NOW is dead. Today we fulfill that duty of journalist promise and give you what is really important to know about going into the weekend, what everyone will be talking about around the old BBQ this 4th of the M-Fing JULY, man. [Editor’s note – Insert link to What 28 Things You Must Grill on the 4th here when the gifs are ready, make sure there is at least one of ScarJo dropping a sausage down her shirt.]
Missing planes, the new ebola, ISIS (that’s something from Legend of Zelda anyway, and we beat that game a LONG time ago), and Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision are worthless. When you argue with your Uncle Phil about that shit on Facebook, you’re not arguing the facts, you’re arguing that he’s still mad your mom married better than he did 32 years ago so you don’t need truth or information anyway. You need information from your preferred site — that’s us — on what’s the buzz.
Goddamn that’s two hundred words, nearly 1200 letters. Better break this shit up with a gif.
SO MANY LETTERS! I HAVE TOO MANY LETTERS IN MY POST.
Where were we? Oh yes, today’s big news.
What’s now according to InternetlandiaofClickholesandDeadInside and all of our competitors — ArriannaandthatDeadGuy.com, VoxHumanaIsAPrettyGoodKennyLogginsSong.com, 8675309.com, UPROXXXXXX, The Today Show (lolz TV!) — everyone is talking about DORITOS LOADED. SO GROSS.
First! I need to take to Twitter and tell everyone I’m going to review DORITOS LOADED.
— Kenton Jacobsen (@kentonjacobsen) July 2, 2014
ROCK! It’s dangerous work and I do it for you! All of you readers! Look, people are already worried about my well-being like I’ve wandered into Syria by mistake.
This is going to be so unhealthy, I cannot even think about how I’m supposed to Instagram my dinner at Paradou later on this evening. They prepare foie gras five different ways to distract you from how foie has 125 calories an ounce (and entire day’s worth of saturated fat and cholesterol) and will certainly kill you as fast as the goose but my NOMS I have to have it.
Bite One: OH MY GOD I AM DOING THIS.
Bite Two: It tastes like warm salty cheese.
Bite Three: This is it? I have to make a story out of this? If these showed up at a BW3 or a Chili’s or even on Chopped and didn’t have the words “7-Eleven” and “Doritos” on the box, these wouldn’t even be a blip on the radar. [Editor’s note – Insert link to 76 Ways to Help Your Brand.]
Bite Four: Cayenne? Is there cayenne in Doritos?
Bite Five: Sometimes when I think about how my parents took out a second mortgage to pay for my northeastern liberal arts college so I could pursue my dreams (which resulted in me writing this review), I feel like such an asshole.
Bite Six: Wait, Kevin Pang said these were fried. They don’t have fryers at 7-Eleven. Some research LAMESTREAM media.
Bite Seven: Shit, better check Twitter.
— darth™ (@darth) July 2, 2014
Bite Eight: I forgot what eight was for.
Bite Nine: Fuck, still just tastes like salty cheese. I’d even go so far to say I’ve had feta that was three times saltier. Whatever, still making a heart-attack joke like everyone else.
Bite Eleven: It was junk food. How the shit do I make this interesting now?
Final verdict: 6 out of 10 drunkenly purchased 7-Eleven taquitos and I should have finished my MFA.