At KSK, hating things is what we do best, which is why we have the recurring This Week In F**k You series, to soothe your white hot anger. This week: People that often think of themselves as “great” fans.
To the five of you that read this site and haven’t been given pause with regard to the strife amidst the NFL’s upcoming collective bargaining agreement, you might be pained to realize that there is a better-than-average chance that there will be no football in 2011. That notion, while not horribly consequential in the middle of this season, will make some of you sad. I’m here to tell you that, to some degree, you’ve brought this upon yourselves.
People will line up to sing the praises of Detroit as a sports town; even though all of their teams suck and none of those people have any money. Why do those people continue to support shitty teams? If I were more of an artistic fellow, I’d paint this wonderful analogy using the shittiness of the Detroit Lions and the United States auto industry. But I would paint it with words. Sweet, wonderful words. I might use a word that would make you say to yourself, “Wow, that’s a pretty big word for this asshole to be using, and yet it meshes perfectly into this supporting idea that he’s trying to convey. He must know what he’s talking about.” But artistry is time-consuming, so let’s just jump to the summation: the Lions suck, American cars suck, and the people that support them suck wild donkey ass.
And what about these “great” fans of other teams? The “diehard” fans? The guys that uproot themselves and travel 600 miles just to be closer to their teams. Those people that wonder about Drew Stanton’s promise as a pro while ignoring their families. Those people can lick my balls and suck my dick.
The Dallas Cowboys make Maroon 5 seem edgy, and yet you couldn’t chuck an aluminum bottle full of clown piss into a parking lot without hitting one of their idiot “fans.” The problem today is that, with the team having front-loaded their cocksucking with a 3-8 record, the Nation of Idiots has gone underground, like a twang-addled Al-Qaeda, waiting for the next message of prosperity from Osama Bin Romo.
And you can stop laughing, Redskins fans, because the fact is that most of you are crybaby pinko liberals supporting the most racially-offensive moniker in sports. Okay, a lot of you. You play in the middle of nowhere, you have no leadership and no tangible plans for the future. You’re basically that gay kid in high school that just wants to bolt town and start snorting cocaine off the first cock that doesn’t beat him for painting his toenails purple. And yet you assholes sell out every game, just so you can leave with 9 minutes to play while your team trails in a two-score game with the ball after you’ve sung the praises of Clinton Portis. That is, if yours was one of those games where he hadn’t chafed another layer of cartilage off his pussy and been declared inactive. And you’re the assholes running our country. Some of you. A lot of you. You should feel like assholes for supporting that team.
You idiots that want to fight other idiots just because he’s wearing a different-colored jersey than yours? Up top, bro. Way to defend the sanctity of a billion-dollar enterprise that has you and you jagoff buddies eating out of their hands. You’re not just supporting a team, you’re in a de facto gang for white, middle-aged idiots that either see no problem with a one-day, $500 excursion away from your hapless family…or you don’t know how to golf.
I’m not saying you can’t like a team. I’m not saying you can’t love a team. But a lot of you are being idiots about it. You’re dumping time and money into a system that doesn’t acknowledge you, doesn’t give a shit about you, doesn’t care about your devotion to your “boys,” and doesn’t care about where else you might spend the money that you’ve earned after busting your ass all week. The National Football League has you wrapped around their little finger. You’re not some chosen steward of your organization’s glory; you’re just a pinky ring to a gaggle of fucking billionaires. And because you idiots are blindly spending away to show “love” for your team, you’re fucking the rest of us that want to just chill and catch a game or two on Sundays. Your love is going unreturned, and it’s high time you took notice.
And sit the fuck down, Fireman Ed. Your face is like rape to my eyes.