We’re in the dreaded NFL offseason. There’s still no real football for months, or maybe even longer. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best, which is why we have the recurring This Week In F–k You series, to soothe your white hot anger. This week: Couples that want to share Facebook accounts.
Some couples really, really like doing everything together. Everything. I once knew a couple that once held hands while both of them were taking a dump. That’s true. I guess there’s a place for it, even if that place isn’t a pair of men’s room stalls at Wrigley Field. Goofy wedding photos? Fine. Airbrushed tee shirts with both of their names on them? Whatever. But I draw the line at sharing the same Facebook account. That’s just gross and I won’t stand for it.
I’ve been married for a while now, and I can say that couples do not instantly become the same person once they get married (although they can become increasingly similar). They are two different people. And each person should have their own Facebook. It’s bad enough that I have to share an apartment, a bed, and money with my wife. But she can get her own damn Facebook. And she prefers it that way, because she is not insane.
And it’s not just the aesthetic of sharing a space meant for a single person. Believe it or not, I may only want to talk to ONE OF YOU. And it’s most likely so that I can complain about that other person. How can I talk shit about your manipulative cunt-faced wife or your paleolithic, know-it-all husband when you’re sharing the same accounts? I have a hard time being friends with people in real life as it is. Trust me, if one of those fringe pals ever friend-requested me with a joint Facebook page, that would be an easy decision: instablock and instafuckyou.
(And another thing, as commenter JD Fury just pointed out: If you have kids on Facebook, stop tagging your kids with your name. YOU ARE NOT YOUR BABY. STOP INFRINGING ON YOUR BABY’S PERSONHOOD!)
Some couples pass this off as some exhibition of their mutual affection and their whimsical approach to life. “Oh my gosh, look at both of us on the same facebook! We’re so silly! Nobody else does that! Hee hee hee!” I have a better explanation: mistrust. What better way to monitor someone else’s online activity than to share access to all of their online profiles? If my spouse knew that I had friends in, say, oh I don’t know…Cambodia, for instance, then I could see exactly who my sweet spousey-poo might take it from in the ass if we ever had a big blowout disagreement. It’s surveillance, hiding in plain sight. It’s like the PATRIOT ACT for your relationship.
Get your own Facebook. Don’t share with anyone else, and don’t let anyone share yours, especially your husband or wife. Because if you don’t, you’re a closet sociopath with daddy issues. And I don’t mean that personally. That’s just science.