My life consists of little more than an elaborate web of excuses and lies engineered specifically so that I exert as little effort as possible in all of my affairs. You might call that lazy. I call it victory.
A good, legitimate excuse is like a little gift from heaven. There’s nothing better than when you didn’t do something at work because you really, truly, weren’t copied on the email about it. That’s the BEST. “Look at the cc list, Steve! You see my name? CHECK AND MATE.” I love it when that happens.
Anyway, this week you’re drafting go-to excuses. It can be an excuse or alibi for anything: why you didn’t go to that wedding, why that dead stripper in the trunk totally isn’t yours, whatever. Pick one, wait ten picks to take another. Once you take that excuse, no one else on earth is allowed to make it except for you. So I’ll take the most obvious, annoying excuse of all:
I fucking hate people who sick out on things all the time. It’s such a lame, transparent excuse, which is why everyone uses it. Not anymore. It’s MINE! ALL MINE!
MINI THIS WEEK IN FUCK YOU: Fuck you Sony, for making none of your bands’ music videos embeddable on YouTube. You people are fucking retarded. “Hey, I’ve got a good idea! Let’s make it so no one can promote our artists’ music!” Seriously, die a fucking earthquake, Sony.