For this week’s KSK mock draft, we started off by imagining we all lost our left hands in a tragic boating accident. GAHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO!!! MY HAND! IT’S GONE! BLOOD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE! SINEW! DANGLING ARTERIES! I’LL NEVER PLAY OUTFIELD AGAIN!
We also imagined science had developed a way to replace that left hand with the device or weapon of our choosing. Fucking NICE. Suddenly, that boating accident doesn’t seem so bad. Who the fuck needs a left hand anyway? Lefthanded people are communists.
THE RULES: Pick an object, device, or weapon to replace your severed left hand. It must be a real object. Let’s assume all battery-powered objects we pick come powered up for life, or something like that. Three rounds. The order:
And so, off we go…
1. Punter – Chainsaw
“The reasoning should be pretty obvious.”
Indeed. Those hookers don’t dismember themselves!
2. Maj – Flamethrower with adjustable levels
“This way I can set fire to those who oppose me, and offer to light a lady’s cigarette. Plus I’ll never have to go looking for a lighter in my couch.”
3. Ape – Propeller
“Can either use it to take flight or cut the shit out of people/objects
“Would have liked Mega Man’s changing weapons cannon. Would have gone well with my pick of Rush in the vehicles draft. And I want to shoot painful leaves at people!”
MAJ SAYS: Chopping onion just got a whole lot easier.
4. Ufford – Taser
“As much as I want a circular bandsaw or 12-gauge shotgun attached to my wrist, the taser would be way more handy on a day-to-day basis.”
5. Drew – Cleaver
It can intimidate AND cook! Might even be useful for shaving. Not so useful for asswiping, though.
6. Flub – CLAMPS!
7. Flub – Spring Loaded Boxing Glove
8. Drew – Bong
I’d be a hero. There goes Bong Man. “Look at me, man… I’m smoking MY ARM.”
9. Ufford – Adjustable-strength laser
“I could use it as a pointer, or I could blind people, or I could cut through steel.”
I dunno. Is it really possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix?
10. Ape – Touch Screen computer
“My right hand can jack off to porn in my left hand”
PUNTER SAYS: Who jacks off with his right hand?
DREW SAYS: I beat off righty.
MAJ SAYS: Uh…isn’t that the norm?
FLUB SAYS: Switch hitter here… Sometimes I need the right free for a mouse or… I’ve said too much.
11. Maj – Volcano Weed Vaporizer
“You can keep your bong Drew, the Volcano will be much easier to lug around, plus no nasty bong water.”
12. Punter – Potato gun that fires dildos
13. Punter – Grappling hook
14. Maj – Robotic Hand
They actually have this now. Who knew?
15. Ape – Machine Gun (ho ho ho)
“I’ll do the near-Grindhouse thing.”
16. Uff – iPhone
“I’ll have the coolest stump in town!”
17. Drew – Drill Chuck
You can put drill bits in it, ratchet bits, anything. You can put a fork in it to eat spaghetti. You can put a colored pen in it and do some kickass spirographing. The possibilities are endless.
MAJ SAYS: I can’t wait to burn all of Drew’s precious spirographs with my kickass flamethrower.
DREW SAYS: Wait! Did you know there is a direct correlation between the rise of gang violence and the decline in spirograph usage? Think about it.
18. Flubby – Spatula
Good for makin’ breakfast, that’s for sure.
Yours in the comments. Kindly pick one device at a time, then wait 10 picks to pick again.