I’ve seen me a lot of movies. Most are shit. Some are great. And some have the chance to be awesome, only to blindly fuck it up at the end. It’s a bigger letdown than that fucking Belmont game last night (Fucking Belmont. Have you no patience for a decent shot? Yes, I just analyzed a basketball game). Well, that shit needs to come correct. These are movie endings that need to be unfucked. We’re taking away final cut from Mssrs. Shayamalan and Lee and giving their shit movies a badass resolution.
You pick the ending of one movie that you find flawed from a storytelling prospective. You must then say why it’s flawed and give me your proper, better ending. Also, no hardcore pornographic endings (you could demand this for any movie), and no endings where everyone dies or something because you hated the whole movie.
Let’s pick. Beware spoilers, of course.
Round 1, Pick 1 â€“ Punter â€“ American Beauty
Punter: The ending of this movie is about what would happen if one of us had changed it. Yeah, being an adult is hard!
Kevin Spacey and F. Lee Ermey actually become a couple (because we all know that’s what would happen in real life), then Annettee Benning and Mena Suvari turn to each other for comfort, and then there’s a hardcore pornographic ending and everyone dies.
Ape: That’s Chris Cooper, not R. Lee
Punter: WHOSE GODDAMN MOVIE IS THIS, APE?
Round 1, Pick 2 â€“ Ape â€“ Return Of The Jedi
Ape: Hey, we just wrapped up a compelling, entertaining trilogy, what not have a bunch of fucking Ewoks prancing around? All the better to sell lunch boxes, right?
How about just before the Emperor gets tossed down some deep pit and gets blowed up, he fires up the Death Star and gets rid of the forest moon of Endor. With him out of the way, the Republic returns to being mired in bureaucracy and the cycle begins anew.
Also, George Lucas gets impaled on a light saber.
Punter: George Lucas wasn’t in the fucking movie, Poindexter.
Ape: Oh, I wasn’t talking about in the movie.
Maj then asked what a light saber was. He can’t vacation in Colorado again fast enough.
Round 1, Pick 3 â€“ Flubby â€“ Million Dollar Baby
Flub: Hillary Swank gets up from the sucker punch and clocks Billie the Blue Bear with a steel chair. After a tense staredown, they resolve their differences with a dramatic handshake ala Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan when they formed the Mega Powers. After running roughshod over the women’s boxing ranks for a few years, they retire to open a chicken and waffle restaurant. Hardcore porn scene, then they kill everyone.
Ape: Nice. I hated her redneck family at the end. Not as much the family themselves, but they transparent way that Eastwood indicates YOU MUST HATE THESE PEOPLE
Round 1, Pick 4 â€“ Ufford â€“ Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King
“After nine hours of a pretty awesome epic trilogy, Peter Jackson removes any and all drama of Sauron’s death and the destruction of the ring by having 35 minutes of denouement, most of which is Frodo and Chris Farley Jr eye-fucking each other. Fuck him.
ALTERNATE ENDING: Aragorn fights Sauron naked in a Russian bath house then takes over the Middle Earth mafia.”
Round 1, Pick 5 â€“ Drew â€“ Heat
I wanted De Niro to kill Pacino so badly I almost bit through my own arm after the ending. At the very least, they should have killed each other.
My ending: De Niro blows Pacino away, then meets Amy Brennaman at the airport, bangs her in the shitter, then tears up her ticket as he gets on the plane by himself. No fucking attachments.
Round 1, Pick 6 â€“ Maj â€“ Bamboozled
“I really loved this movie for the first hundred minutes or so, then shit fell apart like a Volkswagen’s interior.
Delacroix should have watched the fucking tape at which point he could have teamed up with Big Blak Afrika the Mau Maus to take over the network. Then Michael Rappaport’s character could challenge One-Sixteenth Black to a freestyle rap battle for the right to continue living.”
Round 2, Pick 7 â€“ Maj â€“ Contact
“That piece of shit just didn’t know when to quit. They had the perfect ending but they kept on pushing. Instead of carrying on with all of the nonsense of the last half hour they could have turned the whole â€˜it recorded exactly 13 hours of static’ into a really solid ending. Of course then we’d have to put up with annoying fuckers who can’t help but bitch about a movie that doesn’t offer â€˜closure.’”
Round 2, Pick 8 â€“ Drew â€“ Match Point
Should have ended with the ring bouncing on the railing. Ends there, and it’s a fucking masterpiece.
Round 2, Pick 9 â€“ Ufford â€“ A Few Good Men
“Marines don’t salute indoors. Period. Dawson can thank Lieutenant Caffey by shaking his damn Scientologist hand.”
Round 2, Pick 10 â€“ Drew (pick vacated by Flubby) â€“ The Color Of Money
I spent two goddamn hours waiting for Paul Newman and Tom Cruise’s big hair to finally square off against one another. So what happens? They get ready to finally play. Newman says, “I’m back,” breaks, and then the picture freezes. Fuck you, Scorsese. Fuck you blind.
My ending: Felson beats Vince, then sodomizes him with the pool cue and the thingamajig you use to rest your cue on when you need to shoot over another ball.
Also: anyone who wears their first name on a t-shirt deserves to be beaten to death with the 11-ball.
Round 2, Pick 11 â€“ Ape â€“ Y Tu Mama Tambien
“Oh, so the 30ish hot Spaniard woman had cancer the whole time thereby justifying her sluttiness? And Gabriel Garcia Bernal and his butt buddy masturbate together and even start kissing towards the end, but supposedly never see each other again after the trip? Bullshit.
My version: The woman sticks around the beach until the developers build the luxury resort, where she becomes a pricey hooker and later a madame. The two college boys get Mexican gay married (like American gay marriage but less fabulouth and, because it’s Mexico – more illegal) and change their last name to Charolastra. They eventually cheat on each other with some Italian guys.
Like it wasn’t enough that her husband cheated on her, they had to throw in near-death abandon too.
I rented that movie at Blockbuster, unwittingly getting the cut down R-Rated version. No guys kissing in that one. But they still had the diving board tandem jerk. Odd.
But then how will I know which agents a potential draft pick might be considering?
Round 2, Pick 12 â€“ Punter â€“Mr. Brooks
“The dream ending is actually the real ending. Way for them to puss out at the end and make that a dream sequence. Fucking douches.
The dream ending has to be the real ending. It just has to be.”
We’ve left out a few obvious ones here, so please give us some of yours in the comments. Try and pick just one film at a time, then wait 10 movies to pick another.
Fucking Pacino. You weren’t the good guy!