Aide: Mr. President, this is an incredibly volatile issue. Holding extrajudicial prisoners on American soil opens us up to problematic legal issues that will haunt this presidency for decades. I’m not even sure we have ability to hide them, even in rural Tennessee.
CIA Liaison: Sir, we could just hold the prisoners in plain sight, where no one is actually looking for them.
President Obama: Do you have a suggestion?
CIA Liaison: We approached Governor Bill Haslam to go over locations that wouldn’t be so sparsely populated a few dozen new “residents” in a “group home” wouldn’t be noticed. Funny enough, there is a town outside of Nashville called Lebanon, so we could say with a straight face to our allies we returned the detainees to the Middle East. He even offered us a welcome kit to take the “rehab patients” to a preseason football game courtesy of his brother Jim Haslam.
Aide: The trucking guy?
CIA Liaison: And Browns owner. Yes. He’s willing to play ball and move the detainees around quietly after the FBI scared him straight last year. Sir, this might be our best chance to close Gitmo.
Aide: But a Titans preseason game? Polls have shown time and again that Americans do not have the stomach for torture and it erodes our case for other interventions on the international stage.
President Obama: Do it. A promise to the American people is a promise to the American people, and I do not intend to leave this office with Gitmo still open. Just be sure to remind our guests we’re still the ones in charge of their lives here.
CIA Liaison: Not a problem, Mr. President.
— Jim Wyatt (@jwyattsports) August 10, 2014