Kathie Lee Gifford: HELLOOOOOO, everybody!
Hoda Kotb: If you’re just joining us, thanks for tuning in on this wonderful little Tuesday we’re having. One more day ‘til hump day, right Kath?
Kathie Lee: Finally.
(drinks half a bottle of wine)
Hoda: You said it.
(drinks other half)
Kathie Lee: We’ve got Amy Adams joining us today. And, Hoda? Let me tell you, I just LOVE her look in American Hustle. LOVE.
In unison: LOVE
(pours six more glasses of wine)
Hoda: Also, coming up later we’ll be joined in studio by Lady Antebellum. Kath, I bet you haven’t seen them since they played your 60th birthday soirée last fall, huh?
Kathie Lee: Sure haven’t. Boy, that was a fun night, wasn’t it? The pinot was flowing, there was dancing, fabulous food, and the venue was GORGEOUS.
In unison: GORGEOUS
Kathie Lee: Had one too many of these little guys…
(drinks from two wine glasses simultaneously)
…and could have sworn I heard Frank trying to talk you into a THREE-WAY.
Hoda: He, uh, (awkward chuckle) that’s crazy talk.
(Empties flask into half-full wine glass)
Kathie Lee: I know, right? WINE!
(punctures Franzia box with a straw)
Kathie Lee: Anyway, before we get to our guests, we’ve got a very special caller for y’all today. Hoda, did you watch any football this weekend?
Hoda: Heavens no. But I’m sure you and Frank did!
Kathie Lee: You bet we did! I’ll say this much: Cialis can choke the engine, but nothing gets Frank’s motor running like the NFC Championship game.
Hoda: TMI, Kath.
(pulls five gallon bucket filled with wine out from underneath the desk)
Kathie Lee: Oh, is he on the line? Great. Here to join us today is a young man from Boston, who’s got a few thoughts of his own on this past weekend’s NFL action. Caller?
Tommy from Quinzee: HOLY FACKING SHIT, KICK ME IN THA PISSAH!!! KATHIE LEE GIFFAHD!!!
Kathie Lee: Oh my. Aren’t you a rascal?
(funnels a glass of wine)
Tommy: Your-ah husband is one of the awwl time great play-ahs in the league, just too bad he played fah those CUM GUZZLING KWEEAHS up in NEW YAHK. THE HELMET CATCH WAS FACKING BULLSHIT! That was cleahly a PANTHEAWN LEVEL 76 CAWKPUNCH game! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Hoda: Wow, uh…well, you certainly do have a unique perspective, that’s for sure. You’re a Patriots fan, right?
Tommy: Gawd damn right I am. These colahs don’t run. Ain’t that right DAWSKY SAHNAHV, you pussy BAWSNIAN FACK!
And that FACKIN game. Six yeahs. Six yeahs a guy plays his heaht out fah you. First to show up in the mahning, last to leave at night. Welkah had it all. Charactah. Grit. Pehfect skin colah. Then? He bolts to go play fah those FAGGOT HIPPIE PAWT SMOKAHS in Denvah, and how does he repay MACFAHLANE NATION? That retahded, big helmet weahing FACK blindsides ow-ah best cornah awn a pick play. You know who levels a fella when he’s nawt lookin’? CHEATAHS AND BAWRAHK OSAMA, that’s who!
Kathie Lee: Well, I’m sure we’ll be hearing from the FCC about this one.
(does a line of red wine)
Hoda: You seem to be full of opinions, young man. The social media world has been abuzz since Sunday’s NFC Championship game. Tell me: what’s your stance on Richard Sherman?
Tommy: ONCE A DAHKIE ALWAYS A DAHKIE!
(Cranks Papa Roach CD)
Listen heah. Up in Bawston we play ow-ah sparts the right way. Look at Tawwmy Brady. He used to be some pretty boy Hawllywood DICK SNIFFAH, but Lawd Belichick showed him the light: you keep your-ah mowth shut, leave it awn the field, go home, drink 15 or-ah 16 Bud Light Limearitas, throw in a lippah, and try to convince your-ah significant othah to give you a CAWK RUB while you watch The Town. That’s THE PATRIOT WAY! None of this me-first GLAWRY BOY chest-thawmping.
Kathie Lee: Well, Amy Adams is here, so that’s about all the time we have. Tommy, is there anything you’d like to add?
Tommy: Sawx nation rise up! 2014 is ow-ah year-ah. If we don’t win back-to-back, the curse of Bucknah will nevah be lifted. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Hoda: Thanks Tommy. I have a feeling we’ll be hearing from you again.
Tommy: This side ah the othah.