Mark Sanchez: It’s really great you could come and visit us as we get ready for the season, Coach Dungy.
Tony Dungy: Yes, well I’m looking forward to seeing just how business is conducted around here.
Sanchez: Oh, you don’t have to worry about that, Coach Dungy. Coach Ryan isn’t the brash loudmouth I think the media tends to portray him as.
Dungy: Oh really?
Sanchez: No, sir.
Dungy: So it’s all made up, is it?
Sanchez: Oh, yes sir. Most definitely.
Dungy: The swearing?
Sanchez: Coach Ryan may let his mouth get the best of him from time to time, but not more than most coaches I’ve had.
Dungy: And what about the hookers? And the drinking? And the ritualistic animal sacrifices?
Sanchez: Total urban legend, sir. We don’t do any of that sort of thing around here. It’s 100% football. No funny business.
Sanchez: Yes, sir.
Dungy: Well, I certainly hope you’re right. I’ll be making a full report of my findings here today.
Sanchez: You won’t be disappointed, sir.
Dungy: And where is Coach Ryan? I’m eager to meet with him.
Sanchez: Oh, I think that’s him right now. You might want to stand back.
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FU… UUU… UNKY CHICKEN YOU BOYS DOING?!
Sanchez: Hey, Coach.
Ryan: Well, well, well. Tony Dungy! Boys, did y’all say hey to Coach Dungy?
Everyone: Hey, Coach Dungy.
Ryan: Good to meet you, sir!
(offers Dungy his hand, Dungy ignores it)
Dungy: I plan on making a thorough inspection of the premises, Coach Ryan.
Ryan: Uh huh. Well, have a look around! Nothin’ queer round here, Tony! Mind if I call you The Dunge?
Ryan: Glad you like, Dunge. Anyway, you just go off and have yourself a look at the grounds. I’ll stay here and address my boys.
Dungy: Actually, I’ll stay and listen, if YOU don’t mind. I understand you’re quite the orator. I’d like to see if you can inspire men without resorting to guttural language or explicit calls to violence.
Ryan: Umm… uh… okay. You sure? Cause we got a team chaplain, and Lord knows he could use someone to talk to around here.
Dungy: I’ll stay.
Ryan: Suit yourself, Dunge!
Sanchez: How you doin’ today, Coach?
Ryan: Oh, men. MEN. Men, you would not believe the sh…
Ryan: …uh… PRAYER I had this morning!
Sanchez: Was it a big prayer?
Ryan: HUGE! Darn near clogged the church with it. I’m tellin’ you, men. You start off the day with a PRAYER like that? A big, hulking PRAYER that breaks off and splashes you in the face? There’s no better way to start the day. I mean, you could hear me doing that PRAYER from Anchorage. Prayed like a CHAMP.
Dungy: So this was a prayer?
Ryan: MASSIVE prayer. Trust me, I was talking to God all the way through it! Now, men! First order of business today: BOUNTIES. Now, that Tom Brady has been talkin’ shi… ngles about us in the media. Well, I don’t like that sort of thing. NO ONE RUNS MY BOYS DOWN! That’s why I’m putting a bounty on that man.
Ryan: And, by Bounty, of course, I mean Bounty: the delicious chocolate candy bar. From Europe, I believe. It’s got dark chocolate AND coconut! That’s a real fine Bounty. Better than a Mounds, if you ask me! I want one of you to gift wrap a box and send it to Tom.
Ryan: Yep! Yep, that’s exactly what I want! You send him a gift, to let him know that Rex Ryan believes that offering an olive branch is the dignified way to resolve any conflict! Be sure to include a few PRAYERS in the box for him as well. You got it?
Sanchez: Yes, sir.
Ryan: Second order of business: NICKNAMES. Cromartie, your new name is Dalmations.
Cromartie: Why Dalmations?
Ryan: Cause you got 101 of them! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ryan: Oh, come on, that was funny.
Dungy: There’s nothing funny about the plight of African American children growing up without good fathers.
Ryan: Oh, Dalmations is a great dad! Aren’t ya, Dalmations?
Cromartie: Yes, sir.
Ryan: Just last week, I saw him let his three-year-old drive his Mustang! Now, you show me another dad that loves his kid enough to leave them alone with a fine, fine piece of equipment like that.
Ryan: Okay! Well then, time for the third order of business…
(looks at agenda and sees PUSSY listed third)
Ryan: Let’s just skip to the fourth order of business: The weekend. Now, we got the Redskins here on Friday night. So I thought, going with that theme, we all hit Foxwoods on Saturday. WHO’S UP FOR SOME INDIAN BLACKJACK?!
Ryan: I meant… who’s up for talking to some of the older Asian women there and having a serious and frank discussion of how gambling can negatively impact their lives and the lives of their children?
(looks at Dungy)
Sanchez: Sounds good, sir.
Ryan: Darn right it does! Sanchez, your new nickname this week is Enchila… WORKY! It’s Worky, because you work do gosh darn hard!
Sanchez: Okay, sir.
Ryan: Did you do any WORKING this weekend, Nacho? Any HARD, FORCEFUL working?
Sanchez: Well, I did some light crossfit exercises….
Ryan: No, I meant WORK. You know, really just getting up and THRUSTING FORWARD WITH THE GREAT PLEASURE OF EFFORT?
Sanchez: Well, I…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, little Worky here went off and worked some poor co-worker half to death! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!
(slaps Sanchez on ass, HARD)
Ryan: YOU TOO, DUNGE!
(slaps Dungy on ass, HARD)
Dungy: Coach Ryan! Control yourself!
Ryan: Sorry, sir. But when I find out one of my players has been working EXTRA HARD AND REAL LONG, and using some of our newer equipment and stretch bands to do it, I get very excited.
Dungy: Well, I think I’ve heard enough. I’d like to conduct that inspection now.
Ryan: By all means!
Dungy: (opens up field shed) What is this?
Ryan: Oh, that? That’s the voodoo doll. Yeah, I like to dress it up like that week’s opponent and then we all take turns jerki… er, HUGGING it. We hug it, to practice sportsmanship and let the other team know we mean no harm.
Dungy: You realize that voodoo dolls are used for black magic and are frowned upon by the Holy Bible?
Ryan: Well, we practice White Magic with it only. Sort of a creamy, milky white magic. No black magic of any kind!
Dungy: And what about these whips?
Ryan: We… uh… whip ourselves if we feel we haven’t served the Lord well that day. Old Oklahoma school trick.
Dungy: And these?
Ryan: Those are candles.
Dungy: And who are these women in here?
Ryan: They work in PR. Must be some kind of event going on today. I don’t really control that stuff.
Dungy: Oh really?
Dungy: Do you want to know what I think, Coach Ryan?
Ryan: Sure do!
Dungy: I think you are a fraud. I think you’ve spent this entire day trying to deceive me, and I think you could barely muster the effort to do even that. I think you rely on unsound and immoral methods to train your men, and I do not approve. In fact, I plan on noting just that in my report. I think this… unclean and UNHOLY way of leading men will do nothing but lead to their eventual demise. It is not an ethical way of doing business, nor will it prove an effective one. That’s what I think.
Ryan: Well, would you like to know what I think, Dunge?
Dungy: I’m all ears.
Sanchez: Oh, shit.
Ryan: I THINK YOU’RE A FUCKING PIECE OF LOSER WHO SLEPT THROUGH A TITLE RUN THANKS TO HIS QB DOING ALL THE FUCKING WORK! I THINK YOU’RE A MORAL AMBULANCE CHASER WHO LOOKS FOR ANY GODDAMN NEWS ITEM TO COME ALONG SO YOU CAN SPOUT OFF AND SOUND LIKE FUCKING BILLY GRAHAM AND SELL BOOKS TO A BUNCHA CHURCH-GOING DIPSHITS!
Dungy: You better watch yourself, Coach Ryan.
Ryan: Oh, what are you gonna do, Dead Eyes? Tsk me to death? I’ll run my fucking team my fucking way, and if you don’t like it, then you’d best get out of our fucking warpath. These men here? These men are fucking WINNERS. They fight! They kill! They fuck! They’re real fucking men, god dammit!
Dungy: Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain around me.
Ryan: GOD DAMMIT JESUS FINGERBLASTING MARY AND SHOOTING A LOAD IN HER FUCKING EYE! I don’t even know why I let you in here. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAMP, EGGHEAD. FUCKING OUT!
Dungy: You’ll regret this! This is all going into my report!
Ryan: You take that report, and you stuff it in your mom’s musky twat! FUCK OFF, DUNGE! YOU ARE BANNED FROM HERE! FUCK THE FUCK OUT!
Dungy: (huffs, leaves)
Ryan: Fucking asshole. FUCKING BRING IT IN.
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: Men, this world is filled with uptight sacks of shit like that. People who judge others because they don’t have the BALLS to be real fucking men like you and I. And they know it. They hate that you men can fight and fuck as you please. They envy you. They hate you for your freedoms. And so they sit there and they fucking JUDGE. But I know better. YOU MEN ARE FUCKING WINNERS. Great big-dicked winners who win games and break legs and make shitloads of big strong babies. I don’t want you boys taking any shit from fuckfaces like THAT. And if you see that fucker come near this practice field again, you better goddamn tear his oblong head off. There’s a thousand bucks in it for you. YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?
Everyone: Yes, sir!
Ryan: We are going to fucking destroy the world this year. We’re gonna make it our life’s work to show the planet that there are still men out there who have the sack to take what they want and not give a fuck what anyone else thinks. ARE YOU WITH ME?!
Everyone: Yes, sir!
Ryan: ARE YOU READY TO KILLLLLLLLL?
Everyone: Yes, sir!
Ryan: ARE YOU READY TO BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF ANYONE WHO QUESTIONS YOU?
Everyone: Yes, sir!
Ryan: FUCKING HANDS IN!
(all hands in)
Ryan: FUCK DUNGE ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE!!
Everyone: FUCK DUNGE!
Ryan: That was great. I think I gotta go pray again.
Sanchez: You mean shit, right?
Ryan: YES I MEAN SHIT!