Hi everyone, I’m Torrey Smith, wide receiver for the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens, here with an important message:
Please die, all fans of the New England Patriots.
That’s right, for the love of God, please go away and die.
I know we’ve had our differences in the past, Patriots fans. It’s not worth rehashing the details of the many ugly encounters we’ve had. Suffice it to say, they have troubled and hurt me greatly. I will say that I’ve given the situation a great deal of thought and I’ve come to the conclusion that the best and most constructive resolution for everyone is if you die, all at once and as quickly as possible.
I don’t like carrying hate in my heart. Hate is a counterproductive emotion that slowly poisons your soul. That’s why I feel the best solution is that every single Patriots fan is simply wiped clean from existence. Just to show this doesn’t come from a place of hate, I suggest all of them die together – that way no one has to mourn them – and ideally as painlessly as possible.
I don’t wish for anyone to suffer. I just believe everyone would be better off if all Patriots fans were dead.
Were there a device that instantly zapped all Patriots fans from existence, I would recommend that as a course of action. Likewise, a time machine could be used to prevent the creation of the Patriots fanbase. Unfortunately, it seems like the current technology just isn’t suited to meet our needs for Patriots fans extermination. Maybe one day soon. I don’t know the particulars of the science. Frankly, I’m more of an Idea Guy.
While someone irons out those details, I would like Patriots fans to consider my proposal. I understand the sacrifice being asked of you. After all, you will all be dead. But I would ask you to think of the benefits: the ugliness that has existed between us would be immediately put aside. No more drama, no more hate. I think that clearly outweighs the downside of all of you being dead.
Anyway, Patriots fans, take a little time to think it over. Science may need a couple days or a week to come up with a neat and easy way to wipe you from the face of the Earth. By the time the death ray or whatever is ready, I expect you all will appreciate the logic of my proposal and accept that the best and most painless route is their swift extermination.
Thanks for listening. Much love and respect.