Training camps have opened, which means that players aren’t just getting their minds and bodies ready for the NFL season, but their mouths as well. Indeed, wide receivers need to whip themselves into a self-aggrandizing frenzy of braggadocio in order to run the perfect post route, safeties need to treat opponents with appropriate amounts of supercilious contempt, and what’s a sack celebration without vainglorious gasconade?
Well, Kissing Suzy Kolber is here not just for the fans, but for the players as well. We have compiled a list of 2006’s hottest “smack” guaranteed to get inside an opponent’s head. We invite the players to use any and all of these spectacular insults. Free of charge, because that’s the kind of guys we are.
“My fleetness of foot renders moot your desire to strike me down on the field of play!”
“I invite you to try that stunt throughout the duration of this match; I shall remain as unfazed by it as I was on the previous play.”
“Your mother has committed various acts of intimacy with several citizens throughout this township. I happen to know this first-hand.”
“You have failed in your task of preventing me from procuring a new set of downs! I plan on doing this again, while you watch helplessly.”
“Very well. Pistols at dawn? Have you the desire to finish this like a man? Ha, I thought not! Men of such swagger wilt when faced with the prospect of meeting their Maker.”
“I do say, your first-born son bears my likeness.”
“Excuse me, sir. Was it your responsibility to prevent me from catching the pigskin on that play? I’m not sure whom to address, as none of your allies were in my field of vision whilst I raced untouched to the end zone.”
“My vicious strike upon your body shall appear on national sports-highlight television shows.”
“Please refrain from entering my zone of influence, as it will only result in irreparable harm to your body.”
“I doubt you shall ever reproduce, as you prefer the company of men.”
“That shan’t be done in this abode! Have you heard my words? NOT IN MY ABODE, GOOD SIR.”
(Click on picture to read text)
Oh, snap! No you didn’t, Superman!
Anyway, we very much expect Chad Johnson, Steve Smith, and Clinton Portis to use these phrases throughout the season. We might even be disappointed if they don’t.