Trent Green’s Signature Rollout

10.08.07 10 years ago 38 Comments

Our thoughts and prayers go out to quarterback Trent Green today as he recovers from a hit where his head collided with the knee of Travis Jackson, whom Green was attempting to impede. Hopefully this won’t be…wait, what’s that? He’s alright? Well, fuck him then.

No, seriously. FUCK. HIM. That guy is ALWAYS pulling this shit. What the fuck? If he’s alright, why was he laying down there for so damn long? Was he trying to get the Texans a red card? Is that why they brought the stretcher out, like they do in the World Cup? Did he push his Life Alert while waiting for his wheels to roll in? Or was he just worn out from playing with his grandkids all weekend.

I only have one living set of grandparents. Of course, the ones I actually liked, my mom’s parents, had to go and get cancer on me. The other two, on my dad’s side, are titanium-coated and virtually indestructible. They could fall out a helicopter into a burning elementary school in Compton and not get so much as a collapsed vein. Fuck, life really isn’t fair sometimes.

With that, it seemed a bit ironic when, after the smoke cleared, it was Green who was left in a heap. Poetic justice, I’d say. And, I suspect, Mr. Johnson said as much to his would-be assailant as he strolled over Trent’s motionless body, en route to some well-earned sideline refreshment.

And don’t even talk to me about that block that Green was allegedly executing on Johnson. That “block” was bullshit. You don’t put your hat under a guy’s knee like that without realizing that you could put him on the shelf for good. You’re gonna take away a man’s livelihood for a 4-yard gain? Easy for you. You already made your millions while you were warming the bench for Kurt Warner.

I would love to give Travistar full credit for totally ruining dude’s shit without even using the upper half of his body, but it’s Trent Fucking Green, man. The guy is so careless with his own safety, taking him out is like knocking over the 7-pin. A very old 7-pin that throws an open-field block like a manhole cover.

So, yeah, it looks like Trent is trying to take a shit on Johnson’s foot, but you can see the knee hyper-extend before Travistar goes ass-over-tincup. Seriously Trav, how did that hit not end your career?

“My knee ain’t never hurt like it hurt today. If you want to hit me, hit me in my head, hit me in my chest, don’t hit me in my knee. I’m trying to eat just like everybody else. So, to hit me like that, that showed me what type of man he was.”

That is to say, no man at all. Indeed. Preach on, my brother.

“The bottom line is, it was a malicious hit. It was uncalled for. He’s like the scarecrow. He wants to get courage while I wasn’t looking, and hit me in my knee instead of trying to hit me in my head.

“God don’t like ugly, you know what I mean?”

I couldn’t put it any better. Trent Green, truly, be ugly.

Unfortunately, 88.726% of all football fans are of the dipshit, quarterback-centric set, which will only further spread the interpretation of the play as Johnson being unsportsmanlike. You thought that was unsportsmanlike? FUCK YOU. You think I’m shelling out a hundred bucks every month on four days of programming to see 300-pound black people shake hands?!?! What kind of sportsman doesn’t celebrate a clean kill, especially when his own livelyhood hung in the balance? Fuck, it’s not like he used any props or anything.

Trent, you are such a little bitch. You pulled this same fucking stunt in Week One last year, when Geathers laid your loafer-loving ass out on the lawn, when you thought you were gonna get cute and slide for another first down, despite being only a elephant’s pube away from the sideline. How did your little attempt at dodging contact work out there?

Ha ha! Can’t touch me–CRACK!

Get up Trent! One more round! Learn the rules, asshole. You CAN step out of bounds! Try it sometime, while you’re still alive!

And then we had to listen all week about what a dirty player Robert Geathers was (fucking shit, even this video was labeled “Cheap Shot…”). AND even when the League decided the actions leading up to the hit didn’t warrant a fine, I still had to listen to all you assholes who ONLY SAW THE CLIP OUT OF CONTEXT act like you knew something and mutter, “It still looked dirty to me,” as if you could tell Dannon from dog shit. Fuckhead.

And this very same fuckhead faction is going to follow Olbermann’s lead and crucify Travis Johnson, despite the fact that, had his role been reversed with Green’s, he would have taken a 15-yard contact-below-the-knee penalty, and probably objected an ejection. Yeah, maybe I’m crazy for wanting to paint Travistar as the victim here over the poor white quarterback that ALWAYS finds a way to get hurt, but that asshole has every rule in the game designed to ensure his success (and safety), so I’m less than inclined to cut him any more slack.

Johnson’s only crime was being excited that Green’s pisspoor blocking skill didn’t end his career. Fuck forbid he have the audacity to be upset at anyone that had shown such disregard, or that he be demonstrative when such a maneuver backfires on the agressor. Trav’s knee won that matchup fair and square. And besides, If Trent’s head was any stronger than a fucking chandelier, it almost certainly would have been Travistar getting carted off the field.

And would Green have taunted him? No, because Green’s a pussy.

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