“I’m staying at a hotel and it doesn’t have a 13th floor ’cause of superstition. But c’mon, people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you’re really on. If you jump out of the fourteenth floor window hoping to kill yourself, you will die earlier.”
Welcome to the Week 13 edition of Always Be Covering. I’m feelin’ lucky!
I didn’t really know which games to pick out this weekend but I knew i wanted to make a big push. After carefully evaluating this week’s offerings (drunkenly staring at the lines for ten minutes) I decided to throw down on everything except for the Patriots game. Those fuckers are not to be trusted under any circumstance.
Sure, a 14 team parlay would have been pretty fucking in tents, but I had to break things up a little bit because I’m a big ole pussy. All singles bets are for $20
New Orleans -4.5 vs. Atlanta
Chris Redman is starting for the Falcons this week, unless Arthur Blank can find a more promising option hanging out in front of his local Home Depot at 5 am on game day.
Arizona +7 vs. Seattle
The other night my uncle fell asleep on the Metro and woke up at the end of the line. Then he got on the next train going back in the other direction and he passed out again. He didn’t want me to tell anybody for fear of the entire family calling him a fucking retard at the next gathering, so keep it on the downlow. In other news, I have no opinion to offer on this game.
Houston +3 vs. Tampa Bay
I have no idea why I bet on Houston so much but what the fuck, it’s Chanoookah-ha and everything’s coming up gimmel for Sage Rosenfels.
St. Louis +7 vs. Cincinnati
Everything is backwards!!!
That was the only scene in the entire movie that didn’t make me want to repeatedly stab Tom Green in the throat with a corkscrew.
The Lou > The Nati
New York Giants +3 vs. Philadelphia
Buffalo -7 vs. Miami
Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but Miami is no good at everything.
Jacksonville -11 vs. Carolina
Sports Illustrated thinks Carolina is poised for a Super Bowl run. How have they not hired Mike Florio yet?
All games have been teased 6 points from their original line. If you post a comment saying I got one of these lines wrong I’m going to shove a jug of Carlo Rossi up your fucking rectum, handle and all. The wager is 30 to win 90.
Dallas -5.5 vs. Detroit
The only question is whether or not the Cowboys can actually make Kitna shit himself on the field.
Green Bay -5 vs. Oakland
Ten years from now Peter King will tell us all about Brett’s post-game hot dog (no foot-longs, they make him uncomfortable). Then he’ll retroactively award Favre the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role in Something About Mary.
Minnesota -3 vs. San Francisco
Purple Jesus thrives during the holiday season. San Francisco would rather be decorating.
Indianapolis -4 vs. Baltimore
God damn, them Ravens looked downright tough last week. Coach Billick has had plenty of time to get that out of their systems.
This is the bet that could set up my account for the playoffs, at which point I will lose in stunning fashion. Risking 31 to win 195.
San Diego -1.5 vs. Tennessee
LaDanian > Vince > Pip
Cleveland -3.5 vs. New York Jets
Mangini rather enjoys a mouth full of Horse Balls.
Denver -7 vs. Kansas City
Fuck, I’m gonna lose.
Happy Hanukkah everybody!
It’s been brought to my attention that this is actually Week 14. Apparently I confused myself by not writing ABC last week and now this week’s makes no sense. To that I have one thing to say…
I don’t really give a shit.