On Thursday, we included 20 compelling reasons why you should hate the Washington Redskins. But just because you should hate the Redskins doesn’t mean you can’t also hate the Seattle Seahawks. Because there are many reasons to hate the Seahawks as well. There’s just so much hate to go around this time of year.
Pete Carroll is still a cheating asshole. “But he’s so exuberant and enthusiastic!” Fuck that. He’d still be at USC if he didn’t have sanctions to run away from. Can we just hurry up and get the point when Carroll and Jim Harbaugh gnaw each others’ faces off at midfield?
Your crowd is only loud because of your stadium. Seahawks fans love to be smug about how loud their stadium gets. “We caused an earthquake, you guys!” Congratulations, you got lucky because an architect designed you an awesome stadium that traps noise. Seattle fans certainly aren’t any louder or more passionate than anyone else. When I think loud, I think mumbly chain-smoking people who live in the forest.
They still whine about Super Bowl XL. A lot. Our resident Seattle fan, Matt Ufford, has long accepted that Seattle legitimately lost Super Bowl XL and has made peace with it. But Ufford is not most Seahawks fans. When the scab refs helped the Seahawks to a victory over the Packers this season, it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence to see a Seahawks fan claim that the NFL “owed” them for Super Bowl XL. First off, you didn’t even get screwed in Super Bowl XL. There were a few borderline calls, but the only demonstrably wrong call in that game that went against Seattle was a personal foul on Matt Hasselbeck that happened after he threw a killer interception in the fourth quarter. So a post-possession foul on your dickhead quarterback equates to be being screwed? Piss off. Also, no one “owes” you shit.
The Seahawks might not be in the playoffs without some helpful officiating. How ironic that a fan base that has spent seven years bitching endlessly about a couple calls in a Super Bowl immediately gets defensive when people suggest that their team might have gotten a break or three during regular season wins this season. Fucking hypocrites.
Golden Tate still refuses to admit that he shouldn’t have scored in the Fail Mary play. Because Golden Tate is an asshole.
Russell Wilson is not an underdog. Maybe he was around draft time, when concerns about his height caused him to slip a round or two after he should have been taken. But you know what? He was still a starting quarterback in the league in Week 1. As soon as he won the starting job, he ceased to be an underdog story. Stop harping about how short he is. He’s 5′ 11″. He’s taller than Doug Flutie. He’s not a fucking midget. So he lost a little money on his rookie contract. I think he’ll be all right in the long run.
Russell Wilson is not your friend. By all accounts, Russell Wilson is a nice enough guy. We know this because Russell Wilson is nice to the media and gives them good quotes. That’s why Peter King openly worships him. If you’re friendly and helpful to the media, they’ll let you get away with murder (see: Ray Lewis). So while Wilson is probably a nice guy, he might also be an asshole, too, but we’ll never know about it because the media has his back.
Richard Sherman got off on a technicality. Adderall might be a dumb thing to suspend someone over, but it’s still a banned substance that led to the suspensions of several other players this season. Sherman only got off because he pulled a Ryan Braun and got lucky because someone mishandled his urine sample. Also, Richard Sherman is kind of a dick. It helps him that his most notable episode of dickishness this year involved mocking Tom Brady, but it’s only a matter of time until he does it to someone people aren’t as eager to see trolled.
The 12th Man gets dumber every year. Every team has stupid customs and traditions. But at least they’re usually unique stupid things. The Seahawks just up and stole the name that Texas A&M used for its fan base and attached it to their own. And it’s not even a good name. Seattle residents often claim to be intelligent, clever people. Come up with your own shit then.
Their uniforms are hideous. Just grotesquely fucking ugly. And Seahawks fans are apparently super sensitive about it. Doug Farrar, the Seahawks fan who’s now in charge over at Yahoo! Sports Shutdown Corner, made a joke on Twitter about how the Steelers bumblebee throwbacks are the ugliest uniforms in the history of the league, which is true. I playfully responded that his Seahawks wear ugly uniforms every week. So what happened? The dude, who had been following me, immediately blocked me. Really? Seems a bit much.
Your pallor is extremely off-putting. Holy shit, you people are white. You shouldn’t be allowed to have Marshawn Lynch. Trade him to New Orleans at once.
Should’ve been the Scampi. When the franchise started, Seattle had a chance to choose a much better name for their football team, but instead elected to go with the sorry-ass Seahawks. We could have had the Scampi. It would have been great. You really dropped the ball on that one.
Paul Allen wants to sue everyone on the Internet. “WAHHHHHH YOU GUYS ARE VIOLATING ALL OF MY PATENTS! I HATE COMPETITION!” Paul Allen also used to own a controlling interest of Ticketmaster and no person has ever been involved with Ticketmaster without being evil.
Paul Allen’s teeth. You have $15 billion. How are your teeth allowed to be that gruesome?
The Seahawks brought back Terrell Owens in 2012. Oh hey, thanks for dredging up T.O. during the preseason. I know I was just dying to see him in a uniform one last time because he embarks on a career of high diving on reality shows.
The Seahawks once won their division at 7-9. Before this season, the NFC West had been a perennial joke for a long time. Most notably in 2010 when Seattle won the division with a record of 7-9. It ended up looking like less of an embarrassment for Seattle because they defeated the defending Super Bowl champion Saints a week later in the Wild Card round. Possibly because Seattle got to host a team that was four games ahead of them in the standings because of the way the playoffs are structured.
No one cares about your misery. Last year, Forbes named Seattle the second most miserable sports city in America. Awww, poor Seattle, can’t even win the misery contest. Here’s the thing about sports misery: no one who isn’t experiencing it with you gives a flying fuck. No one cares that your teams suck, except when it comes to getting wins over your sucky team. No one cares about your lack of championships, except when it comes time to laugh at you. No one cares that you lost the Sonics. Seattle already loves the Sounders more than it ever loved the Sonics. Fuck off with your self-loathing like I give a shit.
“The Killing”. That show is the worst. Perhaps it’s unfair to put that on Seattle. I don’t give a shit. That “The Killing” takes place in dreary, boring Seattle makes it all the more unwatchable.
The ’90s. Was that two decades ago? Guess that was the last time anyone gave a shit about Seattle. And while Seattle can take credit for Nirvana and Soundgarden, they must also accept blame for the legion of shitty copycats who followed, as well as the many other horrible facets (musical and fashion) of the grunge era.
Enough with the goddamn fish market. Look at you, you got some seafood for sale. I only know because I have to see it every time a Seahawks home game is telecast. You know who else has a fish market? EVERY OTHER FUCKING CITY LOCATED NEAR WATER. There’s nothing special about Seattle. Thanks for the chain store coffee and the depressing music. Think I’m set for another 20 years.