The Unbearable Whiteness of Being

01.07.08 10 years ago 24 Comments

NFC 2nd Seed — Green Bay Packers (13-3)

Mike McCarthy: I know we shouldn’t be peering into the future at a time like this but, unlikely though it may be, if we are to advance far enough, this could be the final year with Brett as our quarterback.

[waves arms down to quell obvious excitement]

Now, now. It’s not going to be an easy transition. The improved quarterback play by young Aaron will, at least for me, alter the entire playbook in painful, soul-wrenching ways. But for the sake of revenue and keeping the fanbase in its pallid lunacy, some people are going to have to take on a few of Brett’s extracurriculars next season.

Atari: You have a hilarious name that resonates with people who don’t get out of their houses. That’ll help some.

Atari Bigby: Actually, it’s the Japanese word for “attack.”

McCarthy: Well, it’s an American word for playing Missile Command whilst double fisting Fiddle Faddle in your basement. They teach that in the high schools ’round me.

But that won’t do much to assuage the media fluffers. Who will they turn to in their moment of ejaculation?

Aaron Kampman: Madden already seems to like me okay. And I’m white. Easy peazy.

McCarthy: Good, good.

What about crazy wives? We got anymore of those? Preferably with a sympathetic disorder of some sort.

A.J. Hawk: Uhhh, check.

McCarthy: Okay. Okay. Nice. Now all we need is to capture the stubble quotient. Preferably covering a face at once alluring and non-threatening to homely white women.

James Van Der Beek: I’m your man, coach!

[A door quietly creeks open]

Brett Favre: What’s going on here, guys? Some kinda team bonding exercise? We gonna start wrasslin’ soon? Get into some monkeyshines? Rent some scary movies? Talk of days gone by?

Hmmm. Somethin’s a lil’ amiss.


I think I know what you’re doing.

You-you’re planning for my retirement, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?

Mike McCarthy: No.


Aaron Rodgers: [standing by depth chart that has him as starting quarterback] Not at all.

Greg Jennings: [wearing a toupe while icing a Brett Favre retirement cake] That’s crazytalk, man.

Al Harris: It’s just, you’ve been going through this whole song and dance for a few years now and –

Favre: You shut up, Al! I was just coming to tell you guys I was gonna stay. We were gonna be Packers forever. Remember when I said you were the most talented team I ever played with? I meant that. It came from here, here in my boyish, gunslinging indefatigable heart.

[door flies open]

Peter King: WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED? My Favre Monitor showed your heartbeat was quickening! Are you in fine fettle, my frisky Favre?

Favre: They’re conspiring toward a future in which I play no part. A farewell to gunslinging!

Peter King: [furiously jabbing finger in McCarthy’s chest] You-You-YOU UNCONSCIONABLE MONSTER! I voted you Coach of the Year! You made my Bretty Boy a factor again. Now I see it was just a big power grab, wasn’t it? WASN’T IT?


[Fighting tears]

Come away, Brett. I feared this day would come and now it has. We’ll find a home somewhere where dreams never die and the sweet song of Number Four will play as a paean to puckishness everlasting. The rigors of old age will never cut us down. We’ll be dewy fresh for now and always. This was not a world made for lovers, its searing sneering cynicism was made to siphen the ardor of the warmest heart. You know this, as do I. Only together can we find this place, can we discover it within ourselves.

Favre: I might like that, Peter.

Around The Web