ANCHORAGE, Alaska — A Minnesota Vikings trainer today visited with former vice presidential candidate and outgoing Alaska governor Sarah Palin, touching off a swirl of rumors that the NFL franchise is planning to sign the politician to compete for the starting quarterback job in training camp with Brett Favre.
“At this time, no contract has been offered to Gov. Palin,” said Vikings general manager Rick Spielman. “I am not able to speculate on whether that will or will not occur. Like most teams, we are merely trying to gauge what, if any, ability she has to quarterback on the professional level.”
The political world was shocked when Palin announced on July 3 that she would step down as governor of Alaska midway through her first term in office. While experts have cited mounting legal debts as the reason behind her resignation, aides close to Palin have said she paid close attention to the way the Vikings organization bent over backwards in recent months to accommodate another useless media whore.
Said one aide who wished not be named, “It became readily apparent to her that the Vikings were willing to put up with a lot more shit than the GOP. And that was very enticing to her.”
During the press conference in which she announced her resignation, Palin drew criticism for employing an awkward analogy drawing from her days playing high school basketball. According to an unnamed staffer “that basketball analogy, while a little mangled, was politically calculated. It threw everyone off of the deal she was really trying to broker: becoming starting quarterback for an NFL team. Really, she wanted to say she was like a quarterback handing the governorship off to a running back, not unlike how one would hand off to Adrian Peterson. But that would tip her hand.”
The timing of the signing would be sensitive, coming as it does the same week that reports surfaced that Favre has already put a $30,000 deposit on a condo in a suburb of Minneapolis. While an offer to Palin is expected to be forthcoming in the next few days, a counter ploy for attention from Favre seems just as likely. Whatever form it will come in – hunger strike, zeppelin attack, angry jeans commercial – is unclear.
Favre was not able to be reached for comment, even by Peter King, who has at press time left at least three dozen teary voicemail messages for Favre seeking reaction. One was obtained by a reporter.
“Brett! BRETTY BOY! It’s Pistol Pete. I know, I know, I enjoying a good walk around Boston when this news comes on my Twitter. WHEN WILL YOU GET THE TWITTER!? Okay. Breathe with me. We’re gonna get through this. You… YOU NEED TO CALL ME BACK! I’m gonna do something rash. I know it. SHE WANTS TO TAKE YOUR JOB! I WANT TO DIP HER ORGANS IN MY COFFEE! Tell me it’s gonna be okay because RIGHT NOW I’m not really believing it. BRETTY BOY!”
Meanwhile, other Vikings players reacted ambivalently to the news.
“She’s a chick, so that’s different. But would it change much? Not really,” said defensive end Jared Allen. “I mean, Brett Favre is already a psychodramatic twat demon. We’re prepared either way.”
Added Allen: “I’d probably bang Palin first though. I don’t know. We’ll see how it plays out.”