Vince Young went missing for four hours last night. Rumors abound of a possible mental breakdown. Well, we at KSK don’t like to speculate. We prefer to get the fucking FACTS. Here now is what transpired in those four hours that Vince Young was MIA.
7:00 PM – Young stumbles into top area hair salon. Sits in chair. Demands shaved head. Despite protestations from salon owner Gerry Jovel that he has “absolutely gorgeous, nappy roots,” Young persists. Jovel reports Young is slurring words and “wobbling badly”.
7:25 PM – Confronted by pushy paprazzi, Young assaults them with an umbrella.
7:45 PM – Young, now barefoot and only wearing his underwear, walks into local Victoria’s Secret and makes quick friends with two local teenage girls. He tries on various outfits for the girls, not bothering to use the changing room, often asking the girls, “Do I still look pretty?” One of the teens, local girl Stacy Johnson says, “He didn’t strike me as crazy at all. I think he just really wanted a friend. He was really very sweet.”
8:12 PM – Young absconds with nearby baby and goes for a joyride in a stolen Corvette with it in the front seat. Shouts out to nearby motorists, “I AIN’T USIN’ NO CAR SEAT CAUSE I’M COUNTRY!”
8:57 PM – Young binges on ice cream and raw cookie dough. Gains 700 pounds and acquires horrible acne.
9:34 PM – Young gets out of a limo and is photographed with his cock clearly hanging out of his pants.
10:00 PM – Young conducts tearful interview with Matt Lauer. Forgets to wear makeup. Looks like the corpse of Anna Nicole Smith.
10:12 PM – Local judge takes away Young’s kids, giving custody to his layabout baby momma, Kendra “Megahead” Fetterlang, who then sells the children in order to finance a hip hop album. Judge places Young’s dad in control of all his assets.
10:13 PM – Young checks into Promises, Malibu.
10:14 PM – Young escapes from Promises, Malibu.
10:16 PM – Young goes to a nightclub in pink wig, uses toilet without closing the door.
10:35 PM – Drives into middle of desert. Buys a York Peppermint Pattie. Returns home.
10:50 PM – Embarasses self at VMA’s by dancing awkwardly and declaring, “It’s Vince, bitch.”
11:00 PM – Young forcefully strapped to gurney by local paramedics, escorted to local psychiatric ward.