You may have heard recently of the struggles of Titans defensive back Adam “Pacman” Jones. In particular, you may have heard of Pacman’s penchant for “making it rain” at strip clubs, by showering strippers with a surplus of one-dollar bills. A reader recently asked me why we didn’t cover this story more. Well, we here at KSK aren’t in the business of reporting “news”. That’s for 10,000 other blogs to fall over themselves rushing to post about. No, we like to go more in-depth here with our dick jokes at KSK. Think of us as a sort of “Real Sports”, only without the butch Carillos, the fey Gumbels, and the dickface Goldbergs.
And, to prove the depth of our reporting, I spent the previous week interviewing Pacman Jones’ friends, family and teammates. From them, I have discovered that Pacman has an elaborate lexicon of phrases that constitute a loose moral code the man lives by. It’s a fascinating look into the world of a very complex person: horny, yet rude; dumb, yet reckless; stoned, yet drunk. Let’s delve in:
Pacman Sno-Cone: This is when Pacman packs a stripper’s bare asscrack with crushed ice and then pees in it.
Singapore Sting: Pacman does not abide by Asian strippers. Should one ever cross his path, he will lure her closer with promises of cash tips, only to then give her a single, hard flick to the clitoris.
Sand Dollar: When a stripper performs in a way that Pacman finds unsatisfactory, he will smear a dollar with a unique mixture of obscure 80’s toy Magic Sand and his own excrement and jam it in the stripper’s armpit.
Ectoplasm: A homemade concoction consisting primarily of antifreeze, maple syrup, and any leftover malt liquor from the previous evening. Pacman sneaks very large jugs of Ectoplasm into clubs and will fill an empty glass with it whenever a stripper asks him to buy him a drink. Occasionally, he will add just a jigger of GHB.
Pacman Water Torture: Should a stripper find herself alone with Jones, he will pin her down and perform the old grade school trick of letting a long line of drool dangle over the stripper’s face until he sucks it back up at the last minute. Though, often, Jones will simply let the drool fall and then punch the stripper in the throat.
The Cifaretto: Named after Joe Pantoliano’s character on “The Sopranos”, this maneuver involves Pacman bashing a stripper’s head against a traffic barrier until she is dead.
The “Derek”: Named after Robert Downey Jr’s character in “Back to School”, Pacman often brings a pocket mirror with him to strip clubs. When a stripper is about to perform a difficult maneuver, he will reflect the light into the stripper’s eyes just so. Hilarity ensues.
The Seafood Gumbo: Like many West Virginians, Pacman is an avid collector of his own vomit. Using a funnel, he will pipe the vomit into water balloons and lob them at any stripper over 120 lbs.
The Spanish Prisoner: If a Latino stripper approaches Pacman, he will grab her breasts and squeeze them as hard as he possibly can. The goal is to get them to burst or to reach 20 seconds, whichever comes first. Pacman keeps his fingernails extra long specifically for this trick.
The Pacman Chomp: This is self-explanatory.
The Pelican Brief: When a stripper fellates Pacman in a private enclave, he will often stick his penis under the stripper’s tongue, and then press down as hard as he can, causing the stripper’s lower jaw to take on a pelican shape.
The Foul Pole: Pacman will sneak into clubs before opening and spray a single pole with a special silicone lubricant. Bets are then placed on which stripper will be the first to discover it.
The Tsunami: Any time Pacman drowns three or more Asian strippers in his bathtub. (Ufford came up with this one)
The Electric Earthquake Pacman tasers a stripper, usually until heart failure. (Ufford)
True Shocker: A new take on a modern classic. Pacman simply replaces his pinky with a cattleprod. (UM, perhaps inspired by the Wes Craven film?)
Your own suggestions welcome in the comments.