Scores and highlights from a lame-ass weekend of NFL pre-season “action.”
Detroit 20, Denver 13: This game came down to the final play, which might have been exciting were it not the third-string determining the outcome of the game. Bad news for Detroit: game doesn’t count. Bad news for Jake Plummer: Jay Cutler looked pretty damn good. Bad news for Jay Cutler: it was against the Lions… the Lions’ second team, at that.
Tampa Bay 16, New York Jets 3: Chad Pennington played two series, looking strong after consecutive shoulder surgeries to his throwing arm. He even showed off his arm strength by going deep with a couple of 15-yard out patterns.
Atlanta 26, New England 23: The big story coming out of Atlanta is punter/kicker Michael Koenen, who’s looking to expand his punting and kickoff duties to include field goals afer making four of them against the Patriots. “I have reservations about it,” Coach Jim Mora said. “I can’t say he won the job. I liked what I saw tonight, but I’m concerned about having a guy do all three jobs.” Yes, because punting five times throughout the course of three hours may make him too exhausted to kick a field goal.
New York Giants 17, Baltimore 16: Steve McNair survives one series uninjured. Punch lines Jeremy Shockey (concussion) and Ray Lewis (coach’s decision) sit out. Wait a sec, Shockey’s STILL got a concussion from that one hit in practice two weeks ago? Yeah, I have “concussions” on a lot of Monday mornings when the Sunday night game runs late.
San Francisco 28, Chicago 14: Brian Griese looked good for the Bears, suggesting that maybe Rex Grossman (3/11, 47 yards, one knee remaining) and Kyle Orton (4/9, 42 yards, .18 BAC) aren’t the best choices to lead your franchise to an NFL championship. For the Niners, Alex Smith looked “strong… to quite strong” while “Bachelor” hunk Jesse Palmer played well enough to get a rose from coach Mike Nolan.
Arizona 21, Pitsburgh 13: Will Leitch rejoices at meaningless Buzzsaw victory; Arizonans rejoice at three hours of air-conditioning. Check KSK tomorrow morning for a VERY special feature on this game.
Jacksonville 31, Miami 26: Jags throw 4 TD passes of 50+ yards; Nick Saban posts Craigslist ad after game looking for defensive backs. Daunte Culpepper and Byron Leftwich leave game surprisingly unhurt.
Carolina 14, Buffalo 13: White receiver Drew Carter and former Seahawk Ken Lucas score first-quarter TDs to lead Panthros to meaningless win. Keyshawn Johnson shines, pleased to finally get the damn ball. J.P. Losman, Kelly Holcomb surprise no one by continuing to suck.
New Orleans 19, Tennessee 16: Tennessee mascot T-rac injures Saints QB Adrian McPherson (who?) with golf cart. No, that’s not some kind of typo. High-profile rookie report: Reggie Bush? Very good at football. Vince Young? Not bad, not good, mild ankle sprain. Lendale White? Sat out for spitting on teammate. Second-year “veteran” update: Pacman Jones gets 15-yard misconduct penalty for taunting after tackling Bush after a catch. Good to see that he’s grown up.
Houston 24, Kansas City 14: Mario Williams didn’t play very well. And there was much gnashing of teeth in Houston. The Chiefs, desperate to replace Willie Roaf after Roaf fucked up Drew’s fantasy draft, played Kyle Turley at tackle. How Herm Edwards didn’t get a helmet thrown at him is beyond me.
San Diego 17, Green Bay 3: Brett Favre, zero interceptions. Jesus wept.
Dallas 13, Seattle 3: Seahawks hear blogger say that it’s hard for opponents to win at Qwest, fail to realize they have to play hard for statement to be true. Tony Romo-sexual leads ‘Boys to win without the aid of Bledsoe or T.O.
Cincinnati 19, Washington 3: Bengals’ non-Johnson receivers look pretty good in easy win; Andrea Kremer most certainly does not. Residents of the capital prepare noose, stand on stool as they await news of Clinton Portis, who suffered a separated shoulder while slamming down a defender after one of the sixteen or seventeen INT’s that Redskins QBs threw.