Whether it’s Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos or Robert Griffin III’s alleged brand of cornball blackness, the subject of race remains a flashpoint in our nation’s discourse about NFL quarterbacks. Why is the conversation about race and quarterbacks so contentious? Well, like the presidency and the who plays Rue in the Hunger Games movies, it just matters what race your team’s quarterback is. While many quarterbacks may be of the same race, each has a unique thing to say about the state of race relations in America today. Rather than wait for a hack to uncork a terrible rant about it, we decided to cut to the chase and just tell you what each team’s quarterback situation signifies about race in America today:
New York Giants: Overly permissive white parenting creates bratty, entitled children who make faces.
Washington Redskins: Real black people don’t wear goofy socks. Also, Bono is not black.
Dallas Cowboys: When Mexican and Polish people breed, the result is as derpy as you might think.
Philadelphia Eagles: People of all races are capable of doing wrong.
Detroit Lions: The greatness of any white man can be traced to the greatness of a greater black man.
Green Bay Packers: White people love handing off to Kuhns.
Chicago Bears: Only white people are cat people.
Minnesota Vikings: Even white people eventually get tired of white people, if they’re bad enough.
Carolina Panthers: There’s nothing white people hate more than when a black man gets away with something.
New Orleans Saints: Jesus is white.
Atlanta Falcons: White people have stupid nicknames.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mixed race people get Jewish hair.
Seattle Seahawks: Short is the new black.
St. Louis Rams: The plight of the Native American remains not a positive one.
San Francisco 49ers: Mixed race people keep weird pets.
Arizona Cardinals: Despite what other races might think, white people do suffer.
New York Jets: Not all second-rate Mexican labor is cheap.
Buffalo Bills: If you have an Ivy League pedigree, white people will let you do anything, no matter how poorly.
New England Patriots: White men love a woman with no ass.
Miami Dolphins: Ditto.
Pittsburgh Steelers: White people can get away with anything.
Baltimore Ravens: When in moments of crisis, white men look to black men to save them.
Cincinnati Bengals: Gingers have no souls.
Cleveland Browns: Ageism is more toxic in America than racism.
Jacksonville Jaguars: White people are sarcastic.
Indianapolis Colts: White people are ugly.
Houston Texans: White people are really ugly.
Tennessee Titans: White people are boring.
San Diego Chargers: Only white people are going to heaven.
Oakland Raiders: Sometimes, a lot of Mexicans are forced to cheer for crappy white people.
Kansas City Chiefs: People love to cheer when white people get hurt.
Denver Broncos: Race does not matter, for soon we will all be androids.