Where in the World Is Suzy Kolber?

11.10.06 11 years ago 35 Comments

In case you haven’t noticed (and why would you?), The Patron Saint of this very site was not in attendance for last Monday’s Oakland-Seattle MNF tilt. Suzy Kolber has now missed two games this year without much explanation from ESPN. Usually, when an announcer or reporter is not in attendance, the working team makes note of it, and wishes the absentee a “quick and speedy recovery”. I think this mandated language might actually be in Chris Berman’s contract.

But there have no such explanations for Kolber. Which made us wonder, just what the hell is she doing? Well, I can tell you there was no shortage of ideas from the KSK Gay Mafia on this one. We had a real brainstorming session. With an easel and a marker and Cosi sandwiches for lunch and everything. There was even a fruit salad. Real big business type shit. Here were some of our ideas:

-Baking
-In an ironic twist, has a drinking problem
-Undergoing final stages of hormone therapy prior to transition
-Tivo broken, must stay home to catch “Heroes”
-Cancer
-Writing snappy female NFL blog for ivillage
-With Democrats in power, finally able to plan wedding
-Plotting to kill that bitch Tafoya
-Plotting to kill Mellencamp for stealing job
-Angry sex with Olbermann (in leather jacket)
-Gentle sex with Jaworski
-Forgettable sex with Hoge
-Turning down daily offer of sex from Salisbury
-Laying low after brutally murdering Bryan Pata (Kolber is a U graduate, and I use the word graduate loosely here)
-Has secretly been coaching Steelers
-Futilely uploading NFL clips onto YouTube, only to see them deleted seconds later
-Filming documentary on Kazakhstan
-Writing script for Bonnie Bernstein biopic
-Still waiting for answer from Aaron Brooks on what he is most proud of in his career
-Blowing Chevrolet endorsement money on expert hair teasing
-Traveling into future to purchase Nintendo Wii
-Sorting through taped Tirico conversations
-Dead father
-Doing Ladies’ Home Journal Interview on the importance of sideline reporters
-Measuring drapes for Pelosi
-Showering with Will Leitch
-On the receiving end of drunken Joey Porter creampie
-What better way to prove to men you love the game than to silently protest the presence of idiot sideline reporters?

I’m sure you can think of even more. Have at it.

Special thanks to 289 for the incredible Photoshop job.

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