White History Month: Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers

07.30.14 3 years ago 47 Comments


Are they Elite? Probly not.

Are they sometimes really good? Sometimes.

Are they both beacons of White quarterback play who deserve are admiration? Absoluteley.

But heres something you dont know about them : There twin brothers.

Legend has it that these two are secret fraternityal twins born a long the banks of a river between the worlds two most annoying citys. There mom ate nothing but a diet of full on sour warheads as they were being grown, which gave Cutler diabetes but only affected Riverses resting facial expressions. One became lefthanded and one became righty out of necesity so they would be able to pound off in side the uterus without acidently touching elbows and having to call each other “fags” for the next couple weeks to show how straight they were. Besides that they were completley identical except for the power to play in a playoff game with a hurt knee only went to Philip.

I would like to formerly announce a rule change: Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers should play against each other every year like the Brady/Manning Bowl for players who use to threaten there parents with running away every weekend, where each QB is the Varisty coaches son and he allready knows hes going to be starter next year and thinks his teamates suck.

Jay Cutler combines the athleticism of Steve Buerhline with the natural leadership style of Daria from MTV. Him and his smart wife Kristen Cavaleri have decided against vacinating there children, now if they could just convince Brandon Marshall to stop taking shots the Bears might actualy win a few games in January folks. Its a knowing nod to White History to grow up being told that your really smart and right about every thing so when you hit adult hood you think that you know more then a doctor whose spent there life studying somthing. You have to respect that selfconidents and its a major tenet of are heritage.

Next is the ultimate coaches son Philip Rivers. Phils the kid youd invite over to spend the night one time and then youre parents wouldnt let you bring him over again because he complaned your TV didnt get all the good chanels he got at home and wouldnt eat your Moms pot roast because his Dad just buys him McDonalds so that he’ll stop hitting his Mom.

So how do these brothers stack up? Lets go to the tape:

Now you might point out that there Rings Per Year stats are just misrable and youd be absolutley right until you remember that Philip makes his family buy him a particpation ring every year and take him and Danny Woodhead out to Fuddruckers to celebrate a nother succesful season.Thats how bad he wants it folks.

So heres a big tip of the cap to Phil Rivers and Jay Cutler- two stark reminders that theres still a place in the NFL for Upper-middle class White Males, even though sometimes it dosen’t feel like it.

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