White History Month – The Manning Family

07.18.13 4 years ago 46 Comments


What better way to celebrate a story of a iconic love story that would change the world then featuring a great movie from White History to go along with it? If Phil Simmses wife had known Phil would knock her up with Chris you just know she would of pointed at Olivia Manning and said “I’ll have what shes having.”

Today we’re going to be taking a look at the Manning family’s contributions to the NFL and White History. Calling them the First Family of Football just doesnt quite do it justice anymore, they’re more like the Royal Family except they only appear to be inbred and you could consider Peyton a figurehead if that figure was “GI Joe: Agent Orange Hair edition.” Yes, the Mannings are truly all class folks and they’ve made the last 15 years of NFL better for you me and subpar offensive coordinators who got undeserving promotions for letting the Manning boys be boys out there.


When you hear people talk about people from New Orleans and brown bags the first two Saints you think of are Ides and Archies teams from the 70s folks. You have to admit it takes alot of work to make New Orleanites put bags on each others faces before hitting the french quarter. Back in the day Archie’s Saints were so bad everyone called em the “Aints” which is a little racist against Dixie but pretty fitting for their Southern heritage since those teams didnt aggressively encroach on their opponents territory at all during a 4 year span either. Matter fact, the best quick releases that Archie ever had was when his wife lovely Olivia let Archie find the hole in her soft zone which led to his most successfull completions.


The baby of the bunch is Eli aka “The Kid With the Dead Eyes and Birds Nest Hair.” ELI MANNING FACT: He gets so nervous before the snap that his therapist recommended he go to his happy place where hes the most charismatic and healthiest person around so he closes his eyes and screams “Omaha.” ELI MANNING FACT: The only place on Earth where there are more previously unidentified insects and small fowl that have died then the Rain Forest is Eli Mannings mouth. When you hear us talk about my sources being “league circles” Im not actually saying I got the scoop from Eli’s lips by the way. ELI MANNING FACT: He’s got the most hardware in the family unless you count Coopers back braces. This conclude’s the Cooper portion of the article.


Now Peyton on the other hand has a SB ring of his own which he won off Rex Grossman, but to be fair if Rex had won Peyton could of just fished it out of the nearest U of Florida Saludatorian 15 minutes later. One thing you have to give Peyton credit for is his ability as a actor. Whether its his theatrics before the snap, his guest appearences on SNL, or any of his commercials, Peyton can get into characters faster then Big Ben at Anthrocon (look it up folks). Peyton takes alot of guff for his commercial appearences mostly because we all were thinking Tebow would of been a much better choice for the “cut that meat” ad, but you have to hand it to the guy he works hard even if his little brothers kicking his butt in Rings Per Year. Peytons neck has been in the news alot recently what with his sitting out a season and then making Jim Irsay cry like they had discontinued After Shock, but the mans a testament to modern medicine since just 50 years ago a baby with a forehead like that in Louisiana would of been tossed into the swamp as a witch or mixed in a batch of Boudin or whatever.

More then anyone else, the Mannings have been symbols of Quarterback play for the past 15 years in this league, without them this would be known as the “Dark Era” (not in a racial way its actually a common expression) of NFL familys and we’d be sitting here talking about the Vick brothers as being the defining relatives of the modern game. And frankly its amazing that a family from rural Lousiana has been able to do anything besides get lots of infections in the woods and star in a reality show about stuff they make to sound like different animals so they can kill them, but the Manning family has truly starred in and won as “contestents in the reality show that is life” – Shakespeare

Happy White History Month folks!

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