With Or Without Douche: Peter King Goes To A U2 Concert

10.19.09 8 years ago 66 Comments

When we last left throwback-loving douchebox Peter King, he was declaring Kyle Orton the next Tom Brady, marveling at the friendliness of Sun Country Airways, and getting into a Twitter throwdown with Mark Cuban, which marks the single most inconsequential dispute in recorded history.

But what about this week? Will Peter again be forced to down can after can of Illy? Will he be hit by any cinderblock walls? Will Kathy Holmgren be a bitch and not let him watch any football? Read on. But I must warn you: there is a section on hot cocoa prices here that will leave you STUNNED AND OUTRAGED.

No less respected a voice than Michael Wilbon blogged last night…

Wilbon blogs, eh? And here I thought blogging scared the hell out of him. Silly me. I should have known that someone as RESPECTED as Wilbon would give blogging more credibility, especially when he tells you that Sean Taylor deserved to get shot and bleed to death.

that this is the most depressing time to be a Redskins follower he’s seen in 29 years of living and working in Washington. “I’ve never seen so many of them looking droopy and depressed than Sunday night following the pathetic 14-6 loss to the Chiefs,” he wrote. When you play an 0-5 team, at home, a Kansas City team in the midst of the biggest rebuilding project of any in the league, and you generate more three-and-outs (seven) than points (six), it’s time to do something. Anything.

And so last night, Redskins vice president of football operations Vinny Cerrato met with coach Jim Zorn and asked him (well, asked might be a little kind) to relinquish the play-calling duties.

That’s not even the best part. The best part of the story was this tweet from Jay Glazer:

@Jay_Glazer zorn saved his job by agreeing to give up play-calling. he and cerato meet tomorrow to discuss who

Vinny: You can keep your job, Jim, if you agree to stop calling plays.

Zorn: Okay, who would you like to do it?

Vinny: Oh, we dunno THAT. Let’s you and I figure it out tomorrow over coffee.

“Jim’s doing too much,” Cerrato told me. “He’s coaching the quarterbacks, putting the game plan together, calling the plays, coaching the team…

“He really shouldn’t be doing any of those things.”

…We need Jim to coach the team, to do what a head coach does. It’s been 14 games now [the Redskins are a toothless 4-10 since last Halloween], and we’ve got to do something.”

“We need Jim to stand silently in the corner and watch as we bang his wife.”

This is simply an act of delaying the inevitable, of course. Zorn cannot survive.

Odd, given that King said THIS two weeks ago…

I think… and trust me on this… Jim Zorn’s going nowhere soon other than to work coaching the Washington Redskins.

Oooh, that one should go in the new book!

I expect Washington to give this new play-calling thing three or four weeks, and when that doesn’t work, then Zorn will be dismissed. I was told Sunday night that the logical in-season successor, defensive coordinator Greg Blache, doesn’t want the job, and it most logically would go to secondary coach Jerry Gray.

They should make Blache the head coach specifically because he doesn’t want to be. That already makes him ten times smarter than Jerry Gray. Semi-Joseph Helleresque.

Speaking of big-name coaches, it wouldn’t surprise me if Dan Snyder had dinner with one of them this weekend.

Oh, you think? Dan Snyder will dine with anyone who has a name he recognizes. OOOH, LOOGIT! SEAN YOUNG IS IN TOWN. VINNY, GET THIS WOMAN ON SPEED DIAL. I LOVED HER IN “THE BOOST”.

Jon Gruden will be in town to do the Monday night game for ESPN. Jon Gruden wants back into football. Jon Gruden can coach quarterbacks. Be careful, Jon. Be careful.

I’m think, this dangerous!

The Saints look like the best team in the league to me.

Well, there’s a revelation for you. UNDERLINE THAT POINT IN YOUR HEAD. Say, you know who looks like they might not make the playoffs? The Rams.

By several measures, the Giants entered Sunday’s game at the Superdome as the best defensive team in football. Midway through the second quarter, I turned to Tony Dungy in our NBC viewing room at Rockefeller Center


In the spring, I power-rated the Saints as the 24th-best team in football. I thought there was no hope for their defense. “Twenty-fourth!” Sean Payton said to me a few months ago in amazement. Talk about one I wish I had back.

Another one for the new book!

The Saints aren’t the best defense in the game, but they make up for any lack of talent by playing with an edgy attitude

They quote Sum 41 songs right in the fucking huddle! Those young whippersnappers don’t care about nuthin!

“We have a lot of fun in practice,” (Greggggg) Williams told me. “I really piss off Drew Brees.

“Because I’m a cock and Todd Haley is my bastard love child, you see.”

I think a Minnesota-New Orleans NFC Championship Game would be one of the most anticipated football games of this era. Think of it: Brees and his all-world offense in one corner. Brett Favre, if he survives the year, in the other corner, with his sidekick Adrian Peterson. God, don’t let any of those three men get hurt before January.

If Brett got hurt… I just don’t know what I would do. I can picture him now… sitting at home in a cast… just being a guy… watching The History Channel, which would very much surprise you about him. Tragic.

There’s nothing wrong with Adrian Peterson. Nothing.

That’s odd, because I specifically remembering the world declaring that Adrian Peterson is terrible right before this game. Really. Everyone said it. You could hear it from the mountaintops. Thank God Peter has corrected us all. Light: brought.

I wonder how teams are going to play Minnesota going forward.

Uh, throw for a zillion yards on them because Antoine Winfield is hurt?

There’s no better combo platter (Favre and Peterson) of rusher and passer out there now, and I challenge you to think back to when there was.


/thinks for seven seconds

Manning and James
Elway and Davis
Kelly and Thomas
Warner and Faulk
Aikman and Smith
Brees and Tomlinson
Montana and Craig

Kurt Warner and Marshall Faulk come to mind, but Faulk wasn’t the inside runner Peterson is.


Finally, Peterson entered the season with a gaudy career average of 5.16 yards per rush in his first two years. Jim Brownish.

Quasi-Gayle Sayresian.

As one of my editors at SI, Dick Friedman, observed, how about a Harvard quarterback and Yale coach beating the big, bad Jets?

Mmm. Yes. Indeed. There’s nothing like an Ivy League intellect to outsmart a team that commits six turnovers.

The Fine Fifteen

Actually it’s the Nice Nineteen this week.

Not the Solitary Sixteen?

3. Indianapolis (5-0). The schedule-maker’s nice to the Caldwellmen

Far nicer than when they were the Dungylads. Will they keep it up? I don’t know? Could Peyton Manning potentially, one day, turn into some kind of starchild? I don’t know. Has this yogurt gone bad? I don’t know.

6. New York Giants (5-1). Abysmal, pathetic, awful in all ways. Also just one game, against football’s best team.

They’re human. Also, it only counts ONE game. Not two and half, as you may have guessed.

8. Pittsburgh (4-2). It is a mark of how good Ben Roethlisberger is that he threw for 417 yards, with two touchdowns, and no one noticed.

I know! Why won’t anyone notice this man who was won two Super Bowls and has been in numerous television commercials? HE’S SO QUIET! He’s like a Falcon! They always purposely place a blue dot over his body during highlights, and I can’t figure out why. It’s an injustice. If only he were famous enough to be accused of rape!

12. Baltimore (3-3). I’m tempted to throw them out of the Fine Fifteen entirely.

No! That would be unfair! They’d have to play in the NAIA then!

13. San Diego (2-2). Seems like about two months since the Chargers played. Actually it’s been 15 days.

“Let me just ruin my own metaphor right here.”

14. (tie) Philadelphia (3-2). Anyone wondering if just maybe Kevin Kolb would have played a better game in Oakland than Donovan McNabb?

White people who live in Philly?

14. (tie) Miami (2-3). Not sure how long they’ll be here. Next three games: vs. Saints, at Jets, at Pats. As that noted football analyst Scooby Doo would say, “Ruh-Roh.”

Oh, nice! A pop culture reference! NOW DO BARNEY RUBBLE.

Has any quarterback in NFL history completed 85 percent of his throws in snowy/wintry-mix weather like Brady played in Sunday? I doubt it.

But let’s not check the record book. We might find possible candidates that way! Like this one:

90.91% Ken Anderson, Cincinnati vs. Pittsburgh, Nov. 10, 1974 (22-20)

Why are people in the media always gobsmacked when teams pass in the snow? It’s snow, you fucking idiot. Runners are prone to slip on it, which is why it’s smarter to air it out.

Offensive Players of the Week

JaMarcus Russell, QB, Oakland.

Uh, what?

Russell removed the arrows from his back long enough to play good, but not great Sunday in Oakland. But no player in the league had been as bad in the first six weeks of the season as Russell, so his outing against the Eagles is worthy of mention here, with congratulations. Russell completed 17 of 28 passes for 224 yards, with a TD and two interceptions.

Russell played badly Sunday, but not as badly as he usually does. So let’s congratulate him for NOT sucking. Even though he threw two picks and was still generally incompetent!

Coach of the Week

Curtis Johnson, wide receivers coach, New Orleans.

I can’t take credit for this one; Tony Dungy deserves it.


MVP Watch

3. Adrian Peterson, RB, Minnesota. Interesting when people are asking what’s wrong with your game and you’re averaging 5.2 yards a rush and more than 100 rushing yards a week.

Okay, seriously now. Who the fuck was asking what was wrong with Peterson? SHOW YOUR FACE, STRAW MAN.

The Eagles and Andy Reid’s agent, Bob LaMonte, are in negotiations to extend his contract beyond the 2010 season, after which the current deal is due to expire. It’s not that the fandom is up in arms over the talks, but many Eagle fans are ambivalent about Reid

No, many Eagle fans would like to see Andy Reid boiled in his own drippings.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

So I went to Yankee Stadium the other night to watch Yankees-Angels. Pretty cold. In the bottom of the fourth, a vendor came by. “Hot chocolate!” he yelled. “Hot chocolate!”

I looked at his badge: Hot chocolate $10.

GTFO. Who knew stadium concessions were pricey?

Sixteen ounces of chocolate-flavored water.


Readers of this column know I’m a faithful follower of the Red Sox.

And thank goodness we know that. TROT NIXON, YOU DEFINED TOUGH.

And maybe the Yankees aren’t any different from many teams and many products all over sporting America. It’s just that, $10 for a cup of hot chocolate, I think we’d all agree, is over the top.

You’re in a fucking stadium. Shit will be unreasonably expensive. Expense it to SI and shut the fuck up.

Let me put it this way. Thirty-one years ago, I was an intern for the Cincinnati Enquirer…

Oh my God. Holy shit. Are we really doing this?

“In my day… they made hot chocolate from ground kidney beans! And it only cost ye a half a farthing! And it was heated by rubbing it against a Chinaman’s shoulder!”

…and was lucky enough to get one of the paper’s tickets a few rows behind home plate to a Reds-Cardinals game at Riverfront Stadium, on June 16, 1978.

And I thought to myself, I bet I can steal a foul ball from some snot-nosed kid.

That night, Tom Seaver pitched the only no-hitter of his career. Face value of the ticket: $8. In fact, the Reds didn’t have a $10 ticket in those days.

And the infield was made of dried biscuitmeal! And the players wore uniforms with leather tassels! A FINE TIME IT WAS.

Ten notes from a quickie trip to Texas last Monday/Tuesday to see U2 at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington:

Oh, Jesus.

U2 was good. Breathe, Ultraviolet, Walk On, City of Blinding Lights and New Year’s Day sounded best to me. I liked the acoustics, relatively speaking, in JerryWorld.

Really? Because pretty much everyone else said the sound there was horrendous. You must have had good seats. Next to Tony Dungy!

Never, ever, ever eat airport Chinese food.

Especially after a colon cleansing!

I know it smells good

Mmmmm, week-old lo mein. One whiff, and I’m in Kowloon.

when you pass by, but remember the last time you got it, and the sesame chicken was 70 percent breading, 15 percent inedible goo over the breading, 6 percent gristle, 4 percent tough meat, and 2 percent sesame? It hasn’t changed. Walk on by.


When in Dallas, I strongly, strongly recommend the Sixth Floor Museum, nee the Texas School Book Depository. Last Tuesday was my third trip there…

And on that third trip, I finally realized: THIS place is important for more than books!

and I’d go again tomorrow.

In fact, I’d go every day. Because the second I leave this depository, I totally forget everything I’ve learned.

You take an audio tour for $13.50, and you stand on the same floor as Lee Harvey Oswald stood, and you look out the same windows onto Dealey Plaza that he looked onto on Nov. 22, 1963.

Good shooter. Lofty shooter.

It’s moving, and you can’t help but be emotional when you see the boxes stacked in the same formation that supposedly they were stacked for Oswald when he shot out the open window at John F. Kennedy 46 years ago. I’m not even a Kennedy buff, nor am I a history buff…

I couldn’t even tell you what the initials FDR stand for.

but I think it’s one of the most vivid museum tours you can take, anywhere.

But there was no slavery in this building, and that I found disappointing.

“What’s this with you and Mark Cuban?” Aikman asked me. “Wish I knew,” I said.

Well, you see, I was an asshole to him over Twitter and he was an asshole back!

Saw one of the strangest airport signs-of-the-times I’ve ever seen when changing plans in Atlanta on the way home: a flu-shot kiosk.

So weird. Who knew people would set up flu shot kiosks in a public place where germs are easily spread? KRAYZEE. YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!

Every aircraft should have a hand-disinfectant dispenser.

But not a flu shot kiosk, because that would be odd.

Since when did it become OK for flight attendants to pass the hat for a cause?

Since when did it become okay to beg me for money? By the way, please donate generously to Dr. Z’s stroke resort fund. With your help, we might be able to one day spoon fed him Cabernet!

I’m all in favor of breast-cancer research and fund-raising, but on airplanes?

Or our precious trains?

Every leg of every Delta flight? On an early-morning Delta flight, one flight attendant told us she’d let us sleep as long as we donated enough money (chuckling), but then semi-strong-armed us (‘We can do better than $315, folks!”) when the first passing of the hat didn’t result in enough money for her liking. I’d be interested in your responses on this, but it struck me as a little creepy.

Flight Attendant #1: We’re low on our donation goals this week.

Flight Attendant #2: Bummer.

Flight Attendant #1: Wait! Peter King’s on this flight! He makes a stupid amount of money!

Flight Attendant #2: Maybe, if we ask enough times, he’ll dig his wallet out of his gutfolds!

(asks seven times for money)

Flight Attendant #1: Jesus, that bastard can’t take a hint.

One guy in front of me boarding the packed Dallas-to-Atlanta flight had a rolling bag, a fat briefcase and a lined trench coat. He stopped at about row 21 and shoved all of it in the overhead bin, completely filling one bin designed to store the stuff of two or three passengers, and then closed the bin. A couple of minutes later, the flight attendant announced that people would have to start checking their bags because the overheads were full. Thanks, pigman.

HOW DARE HIS TRENCHCOAT BE LINED?! Possibly with goosefeathers? I demand to know how airlines can allow people with thick coats on board!

Tweet of the Week

“In the first four grafs of his Jets story, the Post’s Mark Cannizzaro uses the words: fraud, abysmal and stench.”

@judybattista, who is Judy Battista, the fine New York Times football writer, Tweeting at 10:23 Sunday night.

That’s me copying a quote that Peter King copied from a reporter who copied another reporter. Fourth-hand opinions, exclusively at KSK!

Could Michael Vick be any more invisible?

Particularly at night, given his very dark skin?

Seattle wins at home by 41, then loses at home by 24. That’s the season in Seattle.

That didn’t make any sense.

I think we’ve all heard just about enough on Rush Limbaugh’s failed part-ownership bid, and I don’t have much to add.

Oh, thank God. Because the last thing we need is some rich liberal assho…

Except this:

I shouldn’t have known that was coming.

Yes, I feel sure he would have gotten rejected had he advanced further down the ownership line, because he would be the kind of distraction the league doesn’t want. It might not be fair…


Actually, it’s perfectly fair. The NFL is a private enterprise, and therefore they can choose to exclude shitheads like Rush if they choose. That’s a conservative viewpoint, one that cost Ludacris his Pepsi contract. So perhaps Dittoheads should lay off the Holocaust poetry. To do otherwise would suggest they’re just a bunch of hypocritical assholes. And that would be a stunning turn of events!

by the time you read this, we may find out that Jets’ nose man Kris Jenkins is gone for the year with a knee injury.

Oof. No more pussytubing for LONG time, gang.

Wes Welker, 10 catches for 150. Ho hum.

Ho hum. Just another AMAZING DAY FROM THE GRITTIEST RECEIVER IN HISTORY. Except that this is the first time Welker has EVER gone for 150 yards or more. Other than that, he has games like this at least five times a week.

Jacksonville: 33 first downs. Maurice Jones-Drew: 33 rushes. For 133 yards.

Oh my God! MJD is Adam Dunn! He’s had the most interesting career of any football player in history!

I would like more football out of FOX’s NFL pregame show and less yuks.

Oh, like when you were faux begging Tony Dungy not to leave NBC on the pregame show last night and everyone strained to laugh? Agreed.

Rex, you know you’ve got to take the holding duties away from Steve Weatherford, your punter. Weatherford’s mishandled snap prevented Jay Feely from attempting the potential game-winner against Buffalo.

Rex: Oh, so it was Weatherford’s fault! Christ, I should have known that! It all makes sense now! Thanks for telling me via column, Peter! Even though I can’t read!

d. Washington’s offense. It’s offensive.

e. Biggest Redskins problem isn’t Jim Zorn. It’s the offensive line caving in so consistently.

d. This bullet point. It should be shot.

e. Bullets aren’t the problem. It’s the retard who’s had too many Illys.

I’ve gotten a kick out of your e-mails and Tweets asking when I’d be coming to City X or State Y for a book signing

Biloxijim wants you come to the AT&T phone bank! He’s got coffee filters to sell you!

Coffeenerdness: You can rotate in some different food every once in a while, Starbucks. That wouldn’t kill you, that little imagination.

Take a page from the Toone P. Wiggins playbook. Did you know they have over 75 different kinds of crumbcake?

Congrats, Laura King, for running your first half-marathon Sunday in San Francisco. Wish we could have been there. You’re an inspiration to your too-dormant old man.

Congratulating people for running a half-marathon is like congratulating them for making it through sophomore year. RUN THE FULL 26.2, YOUNG LADY. AMANDA BOWERS DID.

You’re good, Jon Lester. Really good.

I’d buy hot cocoa from you! Can I call you Derek from now on?

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