Judging from the building rumble of Norman Rockwell Americana, it appears as though another GOP convention or a baseball season is about to start. [Checks Google News] Yep, baseball season. Or it already got a soft launch last week with a two-game series in Japan that nobody noticed. Either way, baseball is back, y’all.
I’m not gonna launch into a trollish rant claiming that baseball sucks. The sport doesn’t suck. I’ll watch it from time to time. It’s a decent outing if the weather is nice. I’ll go to a handful of games each year. MLB even had an exciting postseason last year, which I would been happier to dedicate more time to watching if it hadn’t coincided with the more exciting football season already in progress. No, the only part of the year that I could fully commit to baseball is the huge yawning expanse of time where the sport’s regular season just drags on forever. The NFL off-season never truly feels interminable until until basketball and hockey are over, and there’s nothing but baseball dilating time through the sheer force of its self-important torpor.
Truth be told, the biggest reason I dislike baseball is because I hate the way baseball people talk about football. Look, I’m sorry that your sport isn’t kingshit of fuck mountain anymore, but you’ve got to get over it. Those who decry the loudest about football as barbaric, retrograde or crass are always asshole baseball people. ALWAYS. People like Bob Costas, Joe Posnanski and even Peter King, a baseball fanboy who has been cruelly forced to write about the NFL for large sums of money against his will for three decades. Their deep-seated desire for baseball return to its throne of primacy in American culture underpins all of their bitching. Baseball people will write thinkpieces asking, “IS FOOTBALL TOO SCARY BANG BANG VIOLENT?” “IF FOOTBALL IS SO GREAT, HOW COME CONCUSSIONS?!” “WILL FOOTBALL SOON CEASE TO EXIST?” Not that there isn’t any merit to that last question, but you can tell immediate from the tone is it’s because THEY WANT IT TO HAPPEN. You can’t mask your contempt. Oh, how you wish there wasn’t football around to hog all the attention without even trying.
If it’s not that, it’s complaining about the unfairness that the NFL didn’t pay as dearly for its steroids culture as baseball did, or it’s citing a Wall Street Journal study that there are only 11 minutes of actual action in a football game. Hey, that’s great. Sound reasoning. But here’s the thing: SHUT THE FUCK UP! NO ONE CARES! People love it for all the dumb reasons society loves anything else. And it tears you up inside.
Football certainly isn’t perfect and the NFL is run by a ginger tyrant intent on destroying it, but people adore the ever-loving shit out of it, as you are more than aware. Baseball people may one day get their wish and Goodell could succeed in choking the NFL to death and licensing replicas of its corpse for pinatas. But the fact of the matter is that baseball will not fill the void left behind by football. Who knows? It might even be MMA. But it won’t be goddamn baseball. Why? Because Americans love the shit out of violence. It’s not “right” or defensible in any moral sense. [footballcliche] It is what it is. [/footballcliche] So get concussed by my dick and shut the fuck up.
Next time you feel like bellyaching that more people watched a Rams-Jaguars Monday night game than the precious Fall Classic, or whining because the NFL unveils a new sideline hat in June and dominates the news cycle for two weeks, know that everyone hates you and you can take turns tongue-bathing Yogi Berra’s anus with Peter King in hell.