Writing, Peter King. You Need Help With It.

09.13.10 7 years ago 143 Comments

When we last left semi-marathoner Peter King, he was dazzled by Arian Foster’s philosophy major at Tennessee. I’ve seen the curriculum for philosophy majors at that particular school, and it consists of a single book entitled “The Quotable Jethro Miggins,” who apparently was the most important philosopher to live in Smoky Mountains in the 19th century. Among Miggins’ quotes:

“Even if that possum’s dead, you best assume he’s still playin’.”

“You ain’t ever gotta break the ice with a girl if you done grew up with her.”

“You sleep on hay, you’re gonna get poked.”

“If a tree falls in the forest, you done better believe it makes a sound. Because the forest is where that old hermit Melvin Glanton done live.”

“Rubbin’s racin’.”

So what about this week? Will Peter again be awestruck by a player who is on a nickname basis with his head coach? How quasi-’99 Ramsish were the Bears yesterday? In retrospect, should we have seen Alex Barron trying to choke out a defender as time expired? And is it still dangerous to be outside in Russia? READ ON.

As far as opening weekends go, the NFL’s 91st was boffo. Not that all the games were terrific, but we got our first games-that-count glimpse of players and teams we’ve been speculating about for months. We found out Wes Welker is bulletproof…

Not only is Wes Welker bulletproof, but he can also cure children of spina bifida simply by laying hands upon them. His ejaculate is also made of apricot preserves and is 100% certified organic, with no pesticides. Welker’s face has also been known to show up in the folds of many Boston-area Dunkin Donuts apple fritters. He’s the toughest white man to ever live since Mark Wahlberg, and YOU FACKS DO NAWT APPRECIATE HOW HAHHHHHD HE PLAYS!

Randy Moss has a mad-on…

Did Peter just suggest that Moss has an anger boner? I like this new, edgier Peter.

I’m taking a bow for my only good fantasy football advice. Ever…

CONGRATULATE ME! I WAS RIGHT ONE TIME OUT OF 57,000!

I did tell the world to pick Arian Foster no later than the third round and was roundly Tweet-jeered for it.

But if jeers are tweeted, are they not but a sliver of the full moon?

/philosophy major’d

Wes Welker’s just fine.

Ho hum. Just another day at the office for Mr. Welker. WHO CAN MAKE AIDS BABIES RIDE UNICYCLES AND HAS NO FLAWS AS A HUMAN BEING AT ALL. THIS MAN WALKS ON GRAVY.

In January, Welker shredded his ACL and damaged his MCL in a game at Houston.

But you know what wasn’t damaged that day? HIS HEART, WHICH IS THE SIZE OF A FULL GROWN MALE ADULT LION.

Thirty-one weeks ago, the NFL’s receptions leader since 2007 had the ACL repaired. And Sunday, he caught two touchdown passes from Tom Brady in the Pats’ decisive win over Cincinnati. “It’s not heroic,” he told me.

“I’m not a hero. Except in Boston, where they love white people.”

“Rod Woodson once had an ACL early in the season and came back to play in the Super Bowl.”

BUT RAWD WOODSON IS A FACKIN’ QUAWDROON AND HE DOES NAWT COUNT!

He might get an argument from the Foxboro crowd about the heroic part.

BUILD HIM A TUNNEL!

Welker’s legend grew as he went in and out of cuts effortlessly Sunday, with his same elusiveness. “It’s not sore at all,” he said of the knee. “Just a little stiff.”

Just a little stiff. LIKE PETER!

The 49ers are supposed to win the NFC West. The Raiders are supposed to not be awful.

Who said the Raiders aren’t supposed to be awful? Their awfulness is a constant I rely on. You could chart sailing maps based on it, it’s such a permanent fixture.

When I set up a Saturday interview with Darrelle Revis last week, I did it with the thought of asking what’s it like trying to be the best corner in football without the benefit of more than a week of practice before tonight’s opener with the Ravens.

Other questions I had planned for Darrelle:

“You held out all training camp long. Now you’re back. I have no question.”

“Steig Larsson. Your thoughts.”

“You know, Albany’s not a bad spot.”

“The Rays scare the daylights out of me. You?”

Maybe Revis will choose to not renegotiate the contract and simply play out 2011 because of the huge balloon payment. But I’ve got to think he doesn’t want to incur the wrath of his team and his fans with a second holdout in two years. Just a thought.

I’ve got to think that Revis doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks if he can hold out again for more money and not have to bother with training camp.

2. New England (1-0). I have one word for Randy Moss: clueless. And I like him.

And I have one word for Wes Welker: COURAGEALICIOUSNESS.

8. Indianapolis (0-1). They lost, and they may have lost Bob Sanders, who, as I said on NBC Sunday night, has now played 48 games in his career and missed 49. It’s sad. When I talked to him in training camp, he was happy and healthy and anticipating this season with excitement because he finally felt good.

No way. A player with a long history of injuries felt good after months and months off from the game that caused all his maladies? And now he got injured again once he returned to that same game? So sad. So poignant. Pretty bad for someone in the middle of something emotional.

As my NBC/MLB Network buddy Elliott Kalb said of the Mossman’s postgame meanderings: “Randy being Manny.”

IS THIS INCIDENT NAWT EXACTLY LIKE THAT ONE TIME WE RAGGED ON THAT SPIC MANNY FAR BEING LAZY?! EVERYONE IN THE FACKIN’ WORLD KNOWS OW-AH RELATIONSHIP WITH MANNY INTIMATELY!

Hard Knocks Quote of the Week

“I haven’t had a normal bowel movement in six weeks.”

NFL Films president Steve Sabol, in the middle of editing the “Hard Knocks” season finale last Wednesday, to me and Ross Tucker on our Sirius NFL Radio show.

Well, why would Steve Sabol ever have a normal bowel movement, when he can instead shoot that movement on 70mm film stock and have it narrated by a voiceover talent who gets paid double scale?

“Steve Sabol. A man for whom frigid toilet seats are mere distractions. Summoning his most valiant effort, Sabol was able to push through his sphincter’s defenses to orchestrate a perfect one-yard shit with no time remaining. A symphony of grace and movement and peristalsis that few men, few entire teams, can match. With a resounding plop, Sabol’s turd broke the plane of the toilet water and plunged headlong into victory’s warm, poopy embrace.”

Offensive Player of the Week
Arian Foster, RB, Houston

The former philosophy major at Tennessee didn’t do a lot of thinking Sunday — just running.

But is NOT thinking not also a deliberate byproduct of prepared thought?

/philosophy

Interesting week in the training-run department — seven miles on Martha’s Vineyard last Monday…

Oh, do you not hang out on the Vineyard? You must not know Tony Dungy.

…six down St. Charles Avenue on a brutally humid Thursday morning (I don’t know how anyone runs outside there; it was intolerable)…

I know! I think all of us around the world are quite intimate with the layout and conditions of St. Charles St. Are we not?

and on Saturday morning, eight in Central Park (in 86 minutes).

That Central Park run I owe to former SI publicist and friend Karen Dmochowsky, who took me on the 6.2-mile loop and gave me a living history of the park and the neighborhoods it abuts.

KAREN: And that’s 125th St, also known as MLK Boulevard.

PETER: Did they have slaves on that street?

KAREN: No. Now we’re coming down along Central Park West. And this is the Dakota, where John Lennon was murdered.

PETER: Huh. Kind of a letdown. I expected it to be more historyey.

KAREN: You know what? Why don’t we just finish the run silently?

Shameful that I lived in New Jersey for 24 years and never spent more than a few cameos in that fantastic park.

DID YOU KNOW IT HAS TREES AND OTHER FORMS OF VEGETATION?

If you’re anywhere in the eastern Massachusetts/southern New Hampshire/Rhode Island/eastern Connecticut area, and you’re interested in a good night of football talk, I’ve got a proposal for you.

That proposal? RUN FAR AWAY, FAST AS YOU CAN.

On Thursday, Sept. 23, I’ll be joined by NBC’s Bob Neumeier, Ron Borges and Ian Rapoport of The Boston Herald, and Albert Breer of The Boston Globe at the Harpoon Brewery in South Boston at 7 p.m. We’ll take your questions…

But don’t be surprised if Borges’ answer was already given by another reporter five years ago.

I think this is what I liked about Week 1:

Terry Bradshaw’s rant to Louisiana TV station KTBS, in which he said of Rex Ryan and the Jets: “If they can’t run the ball, they’re going to have to throw it, and they can’t pass protect. He’ll shut up real quick. You know what? I don’t like guys like that, OK?”

Oh, you don’t like guys who just ramble on and on and on with nothing to say, Terry? Get fucked and die. I hope your Zoloft prescription runs out.

I loved what New England guard Stephen Neal said to Ian Rapoport of The Boston Herald after Brady had a fender-bender on the way to work Thursday: “We can’t protect him all the time.”

Okay, I genuinely enjoyed that.

I’m buying Vick stock.

It’ll be a great addition to my portfolio, which include heavy investments in Bronco nuggets.

2. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 1:

a. Brett Favre’s accuracy. Is he rusty or too far gone?

Can’t it be both?

What happened to all those chances for Tim Tebow? Two rushes, two yards. Dud debut if there ever was one.

Yeah! It’s almost as if the failure of those two plays was some kind of indicator that they shouldn’t keep playing him! He could have had FIVE rushes for FIVE yards, go dammit!

h. Hang time, Matt Dodge. Come on. Giants hired you to be a professional punter.

i. Hands, Kevin Faulk. Missed two catchable balls in the first half versus Cincinnati.

Coffee, Harvey Greene. Make sure it’s there when I get to Land Shark stadium.

Service, Sibling Rivalry. Maybe you should learn a thing or two about it.

The sun, Jim Johnson. You didn’t respect it enough.

Toilet paper, Willie Cornblatt. If there isn’t a fresh roll in my hand three seconds from now, someone isn’t getting that recommendation letter to Brandeis they were asking for.

(Meme, commenters. See if you can drive it into the ground.)

c. Very good puffy hair in the shampoo commercial, Troy Polamalu.

But that shampoo is far too perfumey for my taste. Odor, Marriot. Work on it.

d. There will be better days, Nate Montana.

Who cares?

e. You’re kidding, Virginia Tech. Right?

Yes, they were kidding. They actually won!

g. Coffeenerdness: Saw something I never thought I’d see in Central Park near the end of my run Saturday…

FOUNTAINS. I don’t know Central Park very well. Are those fountains always there?

— a man jogging lightly with a grande Starbucks cup in his hand. Maybe it had water in it. Maybe a latte. Maybe it was empty.

Did it have coffee in it? MAYBE. What about deer blood? POSSIBLY. Could it have been empty? That’s a riddle only a philosophy major like Arian Foster could divine.

Or just maybe it’s a sign to me that there’s never a bad time for a coffee.

Coffee bottle, Peter King. Never run without one clipped to your Umbros.

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