X-Files: The NFL Calls For An FBI Investigation of the Missing Tapes

09.11.14 3 years ago 41 Comments

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Voice 1: You’ve removed every trace of the file?

Voice 2: It was like the disc was never here.

Voice 1: How can we be certain? Did you delete all the cookies? Clear the cache? This could be very bad for us.

Voice 2: With this program, there isn’t a frame left to be discovered. A computer is much like a brain, which as you know, if you hit it hard enough with the right wavelength, not only will it forget what it already knew, it will become confused when it comes across the same information again and outright reject it. With this technology, the machine to disregard the images in case someone tries to upload them to our databanks again since it will not understand them. It’s how we teach our drones to think on their own, to dismiss what does not seem relevant to its own memories.

Voice 1: This better work. We have company coming.

XFiles

Fox

MUSIC: (On a Midi) DOOOO DOOO DOOOO DOOOO DOOOOO DOOOOOOOOOOOOO. DOOOOOO DOOOO DOOOOO DOOO *DUNANANANANANANNA* DOOOOO DOOOOO DOOOOOO DOOOO DOOOOO. *DUNANANANANANANNA* DOOOOO DOOOO DOOOO DOOOO DOOO DOOO DOOOOOOOOO. DUN.

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Scully: Tell me why we’re on this case again? A missing tape? This seems like something the local sheriff should handle, not the FBI.

Mulder: Normally I’d agree with you Scully, but this is the National Football League we’re talking about. Outside of the Bureau and the CIA, you’re not going to find a more throughout and all-consuming enterprise. Take a look at this map.

 

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Scully: It’s a map of the NFL’s office in New York and their television studios in Los Angeles. Mulder, what does that have to do with anything?

Mulder: Look at the distance between the two. You don’t notice something strange about the distance between the two?

Scully: It looks like a map, Mulder.

Mulder: But look at the arc on the middle route, Scully. It looks like a perfectly thrown pass. Why would someone be throwing a Tom Brady-tight spiral to a city that doesn’t even have a football team?

Scully: You just want free tickets, don’t you?

Mulder: Hey, wherever the investigation takes us, Scully. (Stops the car.) We’re here.

 

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Mulder: I’m Special Agent Fox Mulder and this is my partner Special Agent Dana Scully.

Miller: Jeff Miller, NFL Chief Security Officer.

Scully: We here as a favor for former FBI Director Mueller to look for a missing tape. Mind if we look around your computer lab.

Miller: Absolutely, Commissioner Goodell has been expecting you. Just one thing though, something cannot be missing if it was never here in the first place.

Mulder: We heard it was here, but no one in charge actually saw the footage.

Miller: A simple misunderstanding with the press. The assistant who said she saw the video was confused and thought she had seen it here, but in reality she saw it that morning on TMZ like the rest of us.

Scully: Can we speak to her?

Miller: Of course. I’ll have her meet us at the command center.

 

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Miller: As you can see, we keep a very close eye on all of our players from here.

Mulder: *Looks at phone* Hey, I don’t seem to be getting any reception in here. Do you mind if use your wifi?

Miller: Of course. The password is “OMAHA1OMAHA2OMAHA3” all uppercase.

Scully: That doesn’t seem very secure.

Roger Goodell: (Entering the room) It isn’t, but we have nothing to hide here.

Mulder: Commissioner Goodell, I’m Special Agent Fox Mulder and this is my partner Special Agent Dana Scully. Your chief security officer was just telling us you never had the tape here.

Goodell: I only wish we had, Agent Mulder. We could have saved ourselves a lot of grief had we seen it earlier.

Scully: How do you explain not having it in the first place *looking around the room* when everything we see here seems so… complete.

Miller: Certainly you understand we cannot be everywhere at once. Even the NFL has blind spots in their coverage.

Scully: But a casino? That would seem like a natural gathering place for your players. Compulsive high-risk gambling is a behavior found in 79.9% of all professional athletes to get the same competitive buzz off the field.

Goodell: We try to keep the league away from all connections to organized gambling, it’s not a good look for The Shield.

Mulder: And fantasy football is…

Miller: A harmless pastime. Ah, Anonymous Source, these are agents Mulder and Scully. We’ll leave you three to talk.

Anonymous Source: Hello.

Mulder: Did you see the video in question in these offices in April of this year?

Anonymous Source: I’m sorry, what video are you referring too?

Mulder: The video captured in this elevator. Here, it’s on my phone. *Looks at phone.* Or it was on my phone. I seem to have deleted the file. Scully, can you show her?

Scully: *Holding up phone* This video.

Anonymous Source: I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand. Your screen looks blank.

Mulder: You don’t see anything? It’s playing right now.

Anonymous Source: Is this some sort of cruel joke? I don’t see anything.

Lone Gun Men

Fox

Pete Carroll: So you’re saying she didn’t see anything at all on the screen?

Mulder: We tried playing it for her a dozen times. It was like she was staring into the void. I’ve never heard of hypnosis being so specific though.

Marc Trestman: (Examining Mulder’s phone under a magnifying glass) Whatever your phone was exposed to on the NFL’s wifi, it’s unlike any virus I’ve ever seen. Every time I try to reload the video, it’s like it never existed in the first place.

Jason Garrett: No memory, she had no memory at all?

Scully: It’s likely a psychosomatic reaction to something on the video. A past violent episode in her own life, claustrophobia and agoraphobia at the sight of riding in an elevator.

Pete Carroll: Or it’s memory manipulation.

Scully: Here we go.

Mulder: Why is that so hard to believe? The federal government tried manipulating veterans’ memories in the 1960s by giving them high doses of LSD while in combat. Similar research is going on now with nanoparticles and the human brain in Scotland.

Scully: Mulder, those experiments have proven to be fruitless. Human cells reject nanoparticles like they would asbestos, they clog the system like glue.

Marc Trestman: (Still looking through a magnifying glass at the phone) What if the particles were electrified? Or what if a wavelength was able to manipulate the nanoparticles already found in electronics? Watch.

(Trestman licks a 9-volt battery and then holds it to the phone. It immediately starts playing the video.)

Jason Garrett: A person injected with the same nanoparticles could just as easily be manipulated with the correct radiation around them. They tried something at the FCC a few years ago with pulsing light — pure energy — during broadcasts, but it never amounted to anything.

Scully: But why would the NFL want to manipulate people’s brains? Unless they were experimenting for a cure for… No. They don’t have the resources to do this on their own.

Mulder: I need to see an old friend.

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Silky Gerrard: Agent Mulder, you should not have come to Silky at this delicate time. You are dancing too close to the flame of truth and Silky will not be able to save you if you get burned.

Mulder: This is about more than a missing tape now. How does the league have the resources for nanotechnology, Silky? This is far beyond spending on new billion dollar stadiums. How deep does this go?

Silky: Silky asks you, who would benefit the most if someone were to drink the finest Bud Light Platinum only to find they now have stable conductive elements throughout their body?

Mulder: The government, the NFL, drug companies…

Silky: Mulder, as always you think too small for Silky’s answer. You need to examine the unexplained. The fool’s errand. Do not contact Silky again. The next time Silky needs Mulder, he will send one his finest ladies for him again.

Mulder: Rebecca?

Silky: Silky does not ask what Agent Mulder did with Lady Rebecca, but let us say that Silky is disturbed one man could own so much pornography. Like everything else in your life Agent Mulder, it is so small when you could be so big. You listen to Silky. You follow those fool’s errands.

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Geno Smith: I’m telling you, it talks!

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Geno Smith: DID YOU HEAR THAT, AGENT MULDER?!? DID YOU HEAR THAT?!

Mulder: Let’s get out of here, Scully. There is nothing to see here.

Geno Smith: NO REALLY, IT TALKS. WHY WILL NO ONE LISTEN TO ME? (Crumples to the floor.) It really talks. I’m not crazy. It talks. It talks… It talks… The locker talks…

Scully: Seems like we need another fool.

 

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Mulder: Mr. Florio, I’m Special Agent Fox Mulder and this is my partner Special Agent Dana Scully. We were wondering if you had a few minutes to speak to us about the missing tapes in the NFL offices.

Florio: But of course. I am always willing to help my friends in the National Football League of Earth.

Scully: In your reporting, have you seen anything unusual around the NFL’s offices? Has your cellphone been working properly when on the grounds?

Florio: Cellphone? I do not carry a cellphone. The National Football League of Earth lets me know directly how the operations are going in the National Football League of Earth.

Mulder: But they call you, right? They have to let you know somehow what is going on.

 

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Florio: As I said, the National Football League of Earth lets me know how our operations are going to directly. There is no need for a cellphone.

 

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Florio: Is there anything else I can help the agents of the Federal Bureau of Investigations of Earth with?

Mulder: No, thank you. We’ll be in touch.

Scully: (Walking away) Did you notice something strange about that man?

Mulder: Yeah, I don’t think we’re going to get free tickets anymore, Scully.

 

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Voice 1: Did Mulder reach out Silky Gerrard? I don’t trust him. He has his own agenda.

Voice 2: He’s a smart businessman. Silky knows the role he needs to play right now. Keep the agents chasing ghosts and they’ll forget all about the tapes.

(Voice 1 steps into the light.)

 

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Paul Tagliabue: Pushing them from one story to the next is a dangerous game. I don’t like it.

(Voice 2 steps into the light.)

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Gene Upshaw: Don’t worry. By the time they figure out what is going on, it will be too late. The program will have begun.

XFiles Trust No One

MUSIC: (On a Midi) DUN.

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