My online sportsbook of choice, Bodog Life, is known for some of their rather unusual prop and future bets. Now I’ve made no secret of my fondness for wagering on American Idol results, and any other stupid shit that can make daily life more entertaining and profitable. So when I learned that Bodog was offering odds on the first NFL player to wind up in cuffs this season I was intrigued. Then I looked at their list, a list that fails to include even one token white guy! Apparently Bodog feels that the only guys worth mentioning in the same sentence as “NFL player arrested” are black, and some of them don’t even make the slightest bit of sense.
Chris Henry, Bengals: 4/6
Well yeah, obviously. If we were just betting on whether a player would get busted or not in the next year I’d be all over this, but if it’s just the first guy to get arrested then I’ll need some better odds.
Pacman Jones, Cowboys: 1/1
Fair enough, but again, the odds are a joke.
Tank Johnson, Cowboys: 2/1
Shit, Tank lives in Texas now. If he gets caught with another cache of handguns and assault rifles he’s going to be nominated for a seat on the state senate. Of course there’s still a decent chance he could get pulled over for driving while black again, but they can’t actually charge him with that (outside of Mississippi).
Ray Lewis, Ravens: 5/1
Ever since Ray watched his buddies kill that guy and got caught obstructing justice he’s been a model citizen. Thanks, Jesus!
Steve Smith, Panthers: 5/1
As far as I know, Steve Smith has never been convicted of any sort of crime (and no, punching a teammate in practice is not going to get you arrested any time soon). What I do know (thanks Wiki!) is that he was raised by his mother, a drug counselor who taught him to stay away from that shit. As an adult he’s been a dedicated family man who has partnered with fellow Carolinians Dell Curry and Jay Bilas to form Athletes United for Youth. Oh, and most recently he began interning at Morgan Stanley’s Charlotte branch. HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!
Kellen Winslow, Browns: 6/1
Kellen’s record is cleaner than Brady Quinn’s jersey, and if being a douchebag was an arrestable offense in Ohio the whole state would be be on lockdown.
Randy Moss, Patriots: 10/1
Sure, Randy has had some off-field issues in the past, but what jury would ever convict a guy of bumping a traffic cop or getting blazed “once in a blue moon?” Besides, as long as he’s playing in New England nobody’s gonna fuck with him. Unless of course he has a bad game, in which case Tommy’s buddies on the force will waste little time planting crack all over his person.
Ricky Williams, Dolphins: 15/1
Seriously, leave the poor fucking guy alone. Ricky’s never been behind bars because there ain’t shit wrong with a little bit (or a lot) of weed. Ricky, who suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder (like half of the blogosphere), once told ESPN that, “Marijuana is 10 times better for me than Paxil.” Frankly he must have been high when he said that, because marijuana is at least 100,000 times better than Paxil. Sure one gives you the munchies and cotton mouth, but the other one makes you fat and impotent. If anybody should be arrested it’s those cockbags in the pharmaceutical industry (except for whoever developed Xanax, that shit’s alright).
So who does belong on this list with guys like Henry and Pacman? Chris Mottram at the Sporting Blog lobbies for the inclusion of master drunk driver Jared Allen and cokehead Matt Jones, but why stop there? Surely there are more white guys worthy of inclusion on such a list, not to mention all of those mysterious Samoans.
Please include your picks for players (of any race) most likely to get arrested in the comment section.