Well, well, well! Looks like the National FAGGOT League has it in far Patriot Nation once again! You faggots in the New Yark League Headquahhhtahs thought you could get one ovah on us! BUT NEVAH UNDAHESTIMATE THE POWAH OF RED SAWX NATION TO FARCE SOME ASSHOLE FROM FACKIN’ BUFFALO TO COUGH UP THE BALL WITH THREE MINUTES TO GO!
(orders Snakebite at bar)
Oh, you tried to FACK us, NFaggotL, but you couldn’t! You know damn well that hit by Vince Wilfark, and that othah hit by Whatshisdahkieface Thomas were clean! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Those were-ah clean, hahhhd, Welkerian hits! They ahhh a reflection of ow-uh cultahhh! We wark hahhd! We play hahhhd! And we fack hahhhhd!
(puts on Affliction t-shirt with sleeves cut off)
YOU HAVE SET UP THESE NEW RULES TO PUNISH THE PATS FAR BEING SO BAWSTONISH! THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!
(sees Aaron Schobel sack Brady)
WHAT THE FACK WAS THAT?! He hit Brady too hahhhhd! THERE NEEDS TO BE A RULE!
Ooh! Ooh! That’s my friend BlueBug!
(picks up phone)
Who the fack is this?
Tommy: THE BLUEBUG! Hey, remembah when we went to Vegas last weekend? NO ONE DOES VEGAS LIKE WE DO VEGAS! WE DRINK AND STAY UP LATAH THAN EVERYONE, AND PEOPLE NOTICE THIS!
BlueBug: Hey Tawm, what the fack is with these new Patriot unis?
Tommy: Oh, I know! They’re so fackin’ weird-ah! I’ve never seen them before-ah! They look kind of old-fashioned and faggoty, if you ask me! That guy awn the helmet looks like he’s taking a dookah!
BlueBug: I know! I prefer-ah the original Pats design. But I have to tell you, Tawmmy, I dunno about this team. No Bruschi. No Seymour-ah. No Rawdney. I dunno if these guys ahhh good enough. Maybe this team isn’t warth following. I mean, Shaawwn fackin’ Springs?
Tommy: I thought that, too! If they ahhhn’t good enough to win, then they ahhhn’t good enough far us! FACKIN TERRY FRANCONA. WHY AHHH THE SAWX ONLY FAR AND A HALF GAMES AHEAD IN THE WILD CAHHHD! I GIVE UP ON THIS SAWX SEASON, EVEN THOUGH THE TEAM HAS WON FIVE IN A ROW! MLB AND THE NATIONAL FAGGOT LEAGUE DON’T WAWNT US BE HAPPY! FACK YOU!
This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.