I was supposed to go to the game tonight in Minneapolis. I was going to eat. I was going to drink. I was to going to masturbate with barbecue sauce. It was going to be glorious. Alas, itineraries were confused and now here I am, stuck where I always am. As ever. BUT ALL IS NOT LOST. There is still a game on tonight, AND I don’t have to go anywhere or talk to anyone. Situation: Improved. So I’ve got that going for me.
But one problem with watching the game from home tonight is that I will be subject to the Favre talk on ESPN tonight. Tirico can try and stem the tide all he likes, but he’s got two QBfuckers next to him in the booth. Keep in mind that Jon Gruden was the person who coined the term “concrete cyanide”. He also said last week that Jake Delhomme led the league in grit. Yes, he did. He did. I swear he did, and it was horrible, and it can’t be undone no matter how much I wish it could. Any analyst who says something that dumb has lost me forever. Gru is powerless to fawn over Brett Favre, whom he once coached and no doubt strolled in many a meadow with.
There’s only one way to overcome Gruden’s adoration: drinking. Yes, it’s the old drinking game gag. Consider it your livebloggy warmup for this evening. Chug any time you hear Gruden says any of the following things:
THIS GUY’S A COMPETITOR.
HE FLAT OUT COMPETES.
THIS GUY IS HERE TO PLAY.
I DON’T THINK ANY OF THESE GUYS ARE GONNA GET CAUGHT UP IN ANY OF THAT STUFF, MIKE.
THE TIME FOR TALK IS OVER. NOW IT’S TIME TO PLAY.
YOU THINK BRETT FAVRE ISN’T STILL PUMPED TO BE PLAYING IN THIS LEAGUE?
YOU THINK THIS TEAM IS GLAD BRETT FAVRE DECIDED TO UNRETIRE?
MIKE, THIS GUY JUST HAS WHAT IT TAKES.
THIS GUY IS A PLAYER.
THIS GUY JUST PLAYS.
THIS GUY JUST KNOWS HOW TO PLAY.
THIS GUY JUST GOES OUT AND PLAYS.
THIS GUY IS A PLAYER WHO KNOWS HOW TO GO OUT AND PLAY.
THIS GUY JUST RUNS.
THIS GUY JUST TACKLES.
THIS GUY JUST HOLDS. (NOTE: only when said in reference to Allen Barbre.)
THIS GUY WILL HIT YOU, JAWS.
THIS GUY JUST GETS IT DONE, TIME AND AGAIN.
YOU TALK ABOUT TOUGH, YOU TALK ABOUT ANTOINE WINFIELD.
THAT THROW WAS SHEER GUTS, RIGHT THERE.
AARON RODGERS HAS KEPT HIS POISE THROUGH THIS WHOLE ORDEAL (NOTE: shot must be done with Tommy Craggs)
THIS GUY LEADS THE LEAGUE IN DETERMINATION.
THIS GUY LEADS THE LEAGUE IN STICKTUITIVENESS.
THIS GUY LEADS THE LEAGUE IN STUBBLE.
See you for the game, children.