Your Matron Saint Sanctified KSK Football/Sex Advice Mailbag

05.14.09 8 years ago 132 Comments

Today is the natal day of our beloved Matron Saint. In observation of St. Suzy’s Day, we prostrate ourselves before this most holy mailbag and dispense half-assed advice on subjects ranging from “banging a blackie,” the truth about roadhead, stumbling upon a friend’s kiddie porn collection and the protocol of house sex christening. Let us begin. Hallowed be thy big hair.

Dear Slipperiest of Fistiest,

No fantasy question

Cock!

While trying to upload her resume on my roommate’s computer, my girlfriend came across male naked pictures on my roommate’s computer. We she alerted me, I wasn’t surprised. I’ve known him since college and I’ve always thought he was gay. They would all say that he was asexual or just not ready for a relationship (he’s 25 and never dated). All this did was validate my firm belief in his gay-ness.

What scared me were the pictures. My girlfriend pulled them up for proof and I was immediately disgusted. Instead of Playgirl type models, they were solo pictures of naked boys. I didn’t get a good look. I didn’t want to get a good look, but I think that the boys could have been underrage.

Should I bring this up to my roommate? I don’t know what good this will do. He’s still a friend and I don’t want him to wind up on To Catch a Predator. I am moving in a couple of weeks (not because of this) so I’m not worried about being on a dual lease with Michael Jackson.

How can I say ‘fuck you’ to everyone that bitched at me for thinking he was gay? I don’t think I can. What can I say, “He has pictures of naked boys on his computer.” There’s a huge problem here. I don’t care if he’s gay. Some people have to hide those things. I do care if the guy is beating off to Sesame Street (and not for Big Bird).

-Chris Hanson

You probably shouldn’t say anything to him, lest he bludgeons you with a toilet seat before you’ve gotten a chance to alert the cops. On the other hand, the guy is stupid enough to have his cache of little boy pictures easily accessible enough that friends could find them while sorting through document files, unless of course you did more snooping than you’re letting on, in which case the guy is also stupid enough to possibly take the computer in to get fixed at a Best Buy at some point and their people are gonna find this shit all over his hard drive and call the cops. It really depends on how much you like the guy, because that conversation, whew, it’s a doozy.

Quick and to the point… SEX after nearly 6 years together, my wife “squirted” for the first time last week. wtf is that shit?

It’s female ejaculate.

FOOTBALL is aaron rodgers for real, or is he a 1 year wonder?

Doesn’t anyone have to give a shit about him for Rodgers to be a one-year-wonder? Okay, yes, Rodgers had a fine season last year and I think he will continue to improve until he fulfills his destiny as the next great quarterback for Green Bay residents to name their kids, pets, and TV dinners after.

KSK,

Sex: My girlfriend and I both just finished our junior year of college. She is doing an internship at a big marketing firm for 60 hours a week and studying for the online course she’s taking. I’m working part-time jobs at McDonalds and Dick’s. We live in the same town but I see her about once a week. Fooling around can be expected about every two weeks, which may or may not include sex. It’s fucking brutal. Is this acceptable for two 20 year-olds?

Actually, yeah, it’s pretty common for late undergrad people to be planning for their lives ahead, which may include getting a great job in another city or playing your cards right and getting to work in the weights section at Dick’s. If it’s that tough, you can break it off and get some girl without ambition. They always make great lovers.

Football: Should Favre sign with Minnesota, is he more or less valuable than Jason Campbell? Also, can Chase Daniel crack the roster in Washington?

Thanks,
Brendan

Campbell’s a better, more efficient quarterback by far of the two, but the guy has yet to surpass 13 TDs in a season. He’ll probably have a better QB rating by about 20 points, but Favre, even in Minnesota, would probably be a slightly better fantasy option.

Gunt-lickers of the Gridiron:

Sex/real estate first: So the fiance and I are currently in the process of buying a house. Our lazy-ass realtor just gave us the keys to this house and we toured it by ourselves. We liked the place. My penis had another idea. Do I try to mount the future wife in a home that we do not own and risk some savage rugburn or do you hold off and christen the place once it is yours. My head convinced my penis not to jinx the deal and I held off. Was this the right move? What is KSK’s stance on fucking in an abandoned house that may or may not be yours in a few months?

Why not? Wouldn’t it actually be even better if the deal fell apart so someday you can drive by the house, see its current occupant outside watering the grass, smile and think to yourself, “Yeah, buddy, I fucked in your house.”

Football: I will never ever stop being a Redskins fan. Every year, I get the same stupid Super Bowl expectations which are quickly extinguished. One of these years, they are going to find a way to put it together and win a Super Bowl. It’s got to happen eventually…1991 was a long time ago. Anyway, if said event would take place, is it cool to cheer the team yet boo the shit out of the idiot owner and his fetus-faced lacky?

–Enrico Pallazzo.

The ‘Skins will never win a title so long as the two of them are in charge, so it’s moot.

Dear Johnson,

Football first – I am a lifelong Giants fan and I hate Eli Manning. The guy is a total douche. From day one, I hated him. Hated drafting him, hate his high softballs over the middle, hate that he is now folklore material because of said high softballs, and hate that smug look of entitlement he wears every damn day. What is the rule on hating a team icon? Am I reserved to rooting for the Giants to win by the run every week? How much hate can I harbor for a guy who will inevitably be honored and revered by the team for many years? I hate Philly, but I hate Eli more.

Total douche, you say? Well your team should have stuck with this guy:

Could you imagine Marmalard in New York?

THERE’S NOT ANY ABSTINENCE IN THIS FUCKING FUCK APPLE! THESE PEOPLE ARE FORNICATING IN THE STREETS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? STOP FUCKING! WATCH ME FLOAT ONE INTO THAT LOW-FLYING PRESIDENTIAL PLANE!

Anyway, the hating Eli stance became a hard one to maintain for Giants fans after he, y’know, won a Super Bowl. I hated on Kordell Stewart for many a year (though he was never as detestable as Eli is), but he generously never made that hate difficult by delivering a ring. And, honestly, if he had, I probably would’ve buried the hatchet.

Sex – seriously, eli sucks. Did you know he abstained from sex with his hot girlfriend prior to marriage? Does that make him a Piazza?

Faithfully yours,

Eli sucks

No, it just makes him a retarded momma’s boy. Plus, Eli’s far too stupid to be gay. No doubt he’s by now progressed to the point where he can at least touch his wife’s pussy, so long as he’s wearing a hand puppet at the time.

KSK Sex Gods,
I’m still 19. And I’m still a virgin. But today I do have a football question: there may be further developments before the mailbag happens, but do you really think Favre will sign with (and actually play games for) the Vikings? I ask because I love the Vikings and hate Favre.

I certainly hope so. YOU HEAR THAT, DREW! I WISH FAVRE UPON YOU!

Now for sex: I met a really nice guy about a month ago through a friend and after the whole day with him (and our group) I was mentally putting him in the friend zone. That night I got trashed and we slept on the couch at the party, but as handsy as he was, I didn’t think of him sexually then. Now I do. We’ve hung out a few times since then, just the two of us, and we text almost everyday. He’s really flirty via text and will on occasion make comments in person like, “we should take that ferry some night, it’s really romantic,” but he never tries anything, while I’ve been trying to subtly hint at my interest. Does he think I banished him to the friend zone? How do I initiate? If things go as I hope, do I (and if so, how) mention the virgin thing (I remember the parabola)?

No, he’s just a pussy who’s too scared to take the first move. If you get more forward and sexy with your hints, he’ll really have no excuse but to try something. Or just grab him on one of your love ferries and doubledong him, Smoot-style.

And it is just a coincidence, but commenters suggested I get a man in the military and he’s in the navy, going out to sea in July (which could prompt a whole new host of questions for another mailbag).

– Carrie

Tee hee! He’s a seaman. I should make a joke here. It would be positively outre!

Dear Computer Football Funny-Men,

Sex: I have a girl who likes angry sex. She likes it a lot. Here is the thing though, if I try to just give her a good hard pounding she isn’t in to it, she really wants me to be angry. This gets to the point where she intentionally says things she knows will piss me off to get me mad. I used to not have a problem with it but now she ups her game and says really mean and hateful things about my family, including picking on very sensitive subjects, and gets to the point where I don’t even wanna give her my dick, I just want to physically hit her. The question is, she is a little bit out of my league, so do I put up with her throwing me in to a rage to try to keep hitting something I have usually only fantasized about? Or do I get a more normal sane girl who doesn’t give me panic attacks?

KOGOD: “He should just wait for her to say something really fucked up and then just unload on her with a right hook to the eye.
/does not condone assault against women…usually”

Football: Any chance Deion Branch stays healthy this season? Is he worth drafting with a late round pick?

– JJTB

Considering his best season to date ended with 998 yards and five touchdowns, is a perfectly healthy Deion Branch really all that much of a fantasy factor? Those are pretty good numbers for a second starting receiver in fantasy and, I suppose, fine to take a flier on with a late round pick, assuming he even puts up that much. But anything above that and the reliable risk of him missing time isn’t worth it.

Dear Footsteps Falco & Paul Rudds,

We was thinking about what “Future Missus” was saying a couple weeks ago about how freak nasty sexy pants girls are “made not born.” That’s some grade-A-john-turturro-accented, bullshit man. Remember road head? Road head was awesome. In high school you could get road head picking a girl up after school, or at least a little tonguezooming for any type of trip involving Sbarro. In college we lacked a car, but still, any solo girlfriend or friendly girl trip with a known highway portion lasting more than 30 minutes was at least some loaded dice in your favor. Now, in our late 20’s, with semi-serious relationships we can’t even get any over the pants handzooming on a four hour trip to the beach. We know what you’re thinking Pujols Ruddz, and no, we haven’t sufficiently fattened, balded, or undickheaded ourselves since high school to justify this drop-off. If anything, we’ve become more blowable.

Well, I think what FMRA was saying is that girls are “made” to be kinky and enjoy sex within relationships and not outright sluts for the rest of their days. Those require abusive fathers. But I feel your pain. Chicks be all withholding sex and shit, but then I come up on ’em and be, like, “Yo, girl, we can’t be havin’ this withholding of sex.” And that’s usually when the sex happens.

This may be where you suggest some doctor philly nonsense like “just talk to her” or “politely suggest…” … gay, gay, and gay. You’re Pablo Rudney the gay mafia kings! Make it happen, fix the world, make the roadhead revolution real.

VIVA!

Also, AFC Bestwestern coaches, Haley vs. McDaniels, Assholes vs. Pussies, yet … yet mind you, their respective teams’ talent levels beg to differ (that is, arguably until McDaniels sat on own dick in the Cutlersterfuck). We like Haley, seems like a total dick who with a name like Todd could probably demean girls into roadhead well into his late 30’s and beyond (magical). But fuck us, 2-14? Can even the dickest of head coaches beat a Denver team that ‘tarded its way out of the playoffs last year? Also, what’s up with McDaniels’ forehead and douchebuzz? It makes pey-pey’s look like just an aborted fetushead by comparison.

Yours in Christ,
Todd Belichick VonVanderleer IV

This rant was brought to you by mescalin.

What’s Up Broners-

Sex: I’ve been hanging out/going on dates with this girl for not quite two months now. After about three weeks we finally boned and continued to do so on the regular until about a week ago. Although no actual conversation on the subject ever came up – it seemed pretty apparent that she is looking for some sort of a relationship whereas I’m pretty much cool with the way things are with no title. Anywho, last week after I go down on her and she returns the favor, she drops on me, “So I think I gave it up too early and am taking back sex.” I pretty much didn’t say anything. Is there any way to get back to the sex while maintaining a casual relationship with this girl?

Possibly, because she sounds dumb and crazy and liable to do anything. But it’s gonna come at the cost of innumerable headaches, and eventually succumbing to a relationship you don’t want.

Football: If a member in your Fantasy league has his Yahoo! account deleted in the 3rd week of the season for no apparent reason (fuck you Yahoo) thus losing ALL trade, roster change, etc capabilities, what would the best solution be? (This happened to me and our commissioner 1. Wouldn’t just let me drop out of the league and 2. made me email him any changes/trades ONCE a week bc he claimed to be too busy, despite being unemployed AND I couldn’t send the email on Sunday morning.)

Keep on Truckin’-
Diabadass

He should have let you drop out of the league and refund you your entry fee. Because this cockwallet didn’t, feel free to vandalize his home free of compunction.

Fags,
Sex: A male friend recently threw out of the idea that one of us should “bang a blackie.” We both agreed that since I am in a relationship and he has already tried certain Asian spices it would be best for him to tread into the jungle alone. The problem is, we are both extremely white and really have no idea how to go about finding a black girl that is willing to bang a goofy white guy (paying for it isn’t an option). I recomended that we try to find one for him when we make our semi-annual Atlantic City trip this summer. However, he noted that AC isn’t really even known for their clean white women. Anyway, do any of the members of the gay mafia have any experience in this type of venture or does anyone have any ideas about how my friend should go about finding, wooing and nailing a black chick?

DREW: How to bang a black girl: 1. Walk up. 2. Say hello.

KOGOD: Drew thinks all black women are hookers.

DREW: They’re gonna call you names, Sweet Rivah! Horrible names! They’ll say things like, ‘Don’t pass the ball to Blackie’ and ‘Blackie can’t play!’

Football: Not really a question, just a statement. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES! And what ways do you think Vince Young may self-destruct this year?

First, fuck you, Philly scum. Secondly, if you’re gonna self-destruct, I definitely favor explosions over implosions. Then you get to shoot your blood and guts and stomach acid all over a bunch of assholes who probably didn’t like you.

Dear Men:

I’m writing to you today for some answers!! Why are men never satisfied?? I’ve been dating this wonderful, wonderful man for almost two years and in fact we are getting married in a few months! He’s awesome, extremely good looking and intelligent. (He’s a lawyer, and I’m a hot paralegal that he can’t keep his hands off of, we met at work). Oh and I’ve never had sex like this before, ever. [Ed note: with the lights on?] Since we work together, I’m basically wet all the freaking time!! Anyway, recently, during sex and during one of my many orgasms, while on top, I began to have this feeling, I thought hmm, ok, while letting this feeling run it’s course, I squirted all over him! Yep, and It was unbelievable. I had never done this before, but wow, it is an unexplainable feeling and I can’t stop thinking about. Almost like new toy you can’t stop playing with. You can just imagine the level we’re on now. I can’t get enough, and he loves it! Here’s the thing

Oh wait, there’s an actual problem here. After the 10 sentences about the amazing sex with your fiancee, I wasn’t holding my breath.

even before this “squirting” our sex life was amazing. We don’t live together (waiting until marriage) but on the weekends we have sex four or five times. So just as I think things can’t get an ounce better, he STILL wants anal. After all of my squirting, he still wants in my butt, he wanted it before and he wants it now. I have entertained the idea this, I’ve just never done it before and I’m a little nervous. Believe me, I read all your mail bags, and the fact that you “just need to use more lube” doesn’t cut it with me. I do wonder though, if the anal thing happens what will he want next?? Are men ever satisfied?

Oh men! (swishes hand) Why must you be…soooo…[inhales sharply]…fastidious!

To answer your question: no, men are never satisfied. Ditto for the ladies. As we all know, anal is a gateway fuck and soon he’s asking to you get a stoma and you don’t know why. I don’t think him wanting anal is an indication that he doesn’t appreciate your usual escapades. It’s just another toy and it’s sitting right there. Be a shame not to use it.

oh crap, the football. do you think Campbell is the right choice for QB or should they try Colt or someone else for the Redskins?

-squirt er

OKAY, YOU KNOW HOW WE LOVE COLT, COOCH, BUT CAMPBELL — HE FOLLOWS THE DEE CEE TEEMS! HE SHOWS UP TO GAME 7 TO WATCH THE CAPEETALS GET BLOWN OUT! THAT’S LOYALTEE YOU CAN’T BUY!

Dear KSK (aka Drew who has shared more poops with me than he’d care to know – thanks)

Um…could you exp – no, on second thought, nope, don’t wanna know.

I am an engaged male, and I will be asking this question from the perspective of my fiancee. When I say I want to “spice things up in the bedroom” what the fuck do I mean? (Sex is pretty regular, but she travels a lot…)

You want to build a spice rack above your bed? Pour some saffron on the balls. Great for girls with yellow fever.

As for what she means, she probably wants it in the ear.

Back to me – As a Patriots fan (yeah, whatever) I have been drinking the Beli-kool-aid for sometime. While I know we’re still set up as a contender, given this past offseason, is there any reason to question it? It would be nice to have a secondary for once…

– Enigmatic

As much as I hate the Patriots, there’s no way at the very least they’re not winning the AFC East this year. Granted, the secondary does blow, and they have no pass rush, and Matt Light gets beat off the edge like a john at the pier, but they’re gonna be back at the point this year where they can just run up the score on everybody and have the defense force opponents to make the one turnover that doesn’t allow them to keep up. The fuckers.

Dear Lords of Cock Gazing,

Sex: Really more of a life question. Going to college in the fall (Vanderbilt). Any suggestions, tips from you or the commentariat? Feel free to make fun of me.

When you beat it to girls in the stacks of the college library, stick to the Social Sciences section. Very little foot traffic.

Football: In terms of fantasy football, what rookie sleepers do you see? I am in a three year keeper auction league (players signed to three year contracts, team option at end of every year).

Thank you,

Prom Guy

I think Percy Harvin will have a good statistical season. Anyone Childress is that proud to have is going to have a disproportionate amount of looks to what could actually benefit the team. And Sage can probably get the ball within five yards of him, unlike Tarvaris. Otherwise, Knowshon Moreno and Jeremy Maclin are probably the safest bets among the top picks to have a solid fantasy season. Donald Brown will be a wise late round pick considering the work he’ll likely get toward the end of the season.

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