The following is a historical fact: Adolph Hitler regularly received injections of “testosterone and a cocktail made from the semen and prostate glands of young bulls” straight into the shaft of his little Führer, so he could achieve a bull prostate-powered erection and make sweet Aryan love upon his girlfriend. And considering the sheer number of hypodermic needles to the dong, it’s no surprise why he was so grumpy all the time.
But Hitler wasn’t the only man who has gone to extreme lengths to get some blood flow. Because before Viagra, men had to resort to some painful, occasionally deadly, and always stupid remedies to cure their erectile dysfunction. How stupid and deadly do you ask? Just watch this handy video that Alltime 10s put together about the “Top 10 Weird Alternatives To Viagra.” Video NSFWish for reasons of extended boner chatter.
For those of you who couldn’t click on that link because you’re at work or sitting next to a nun on the bus, here is a quick rundown of the list:
Number One: Hitler’s Boner Potion
And like I said, this is a historical fact.
Number Two: Penis Vein Surgery
A doctor in 1863 cured erectile dysfunction by blocking the veins in his patient’s penis. And since the surgery was performed in 1863, the incision was likely made with a sharpened stick and everyone was immediately burned for witchcraft afterwards.
Number Three: Eating Seal Penis
Which is the second-worst thing mankind has ever done to seals.
Number Four: Penis Pumps
And I would STRONGLY advise against typing “penis pump” into YouTube. Just don’t.
Number Five: Putting Goat Testicles into Human Scrotums… with Science!
On the whole, this is a slight upgrade from what we did to seals.
Number Six: Erection-Spiking Instant Coffee
Because who doesn’t want to guzzle a steaming cup of joe seconds before their next adult hug?
Number Seven: Crushed Up Insects
In the best case scenario, your massively painful and burning erection does not immediately lead to death.
Number Eight: Stab the Penis with Acupuncture Needles
Because sometimes Ancient Chinese wisdom is not particularly wise.
Number Nine: Penis Whippings
Disobedient pack mules do not deserve to be treated like this, and neither does the male groin.
Number Ten: Multiple Bee Stings to the Penis
And why should I bother commenting, when Nicholas Cage has already spoken so eloquently on the subject.
