The Cheesecake Factory — one of America’s finest restaurants and fight me if you think otherwise — has finally opened in New York City (a place heretofore completely devoid of culture). Completely unsurprisingly, people have been lining up around the block in order to take advantage of the restaurant’s relaxing atmosphere (once you actually get in), gargantuan menu, and the best bread basket on this side of the equator (pro-tip: they’ll bring you a basket composed only of the nice honey wheat brown bread if you ask really politely).
Here at Uproxx, we’ve discussed the merits of The Cheesecake Factory several times in the past year, and the benefits of enjoying a meal at this fine eatery are numerous: From giant portions, to celebrity sightings, to the opportunity to see drunk suburban moms just trying to have a fun day in the big city (or the big galleria). Once, on a visit at the San Francisco location, I even got to see an entire friendship go up in flames — complete with someone storming off and then having to wait for the elevator five feet away from their former best friend/now mortal enemy — while drinking what could only be accurately described as an alcoholic milkshake with enough sugar in it to give Wilford Brimley cause for panic. Does stuff like that ever happen at NOMA?
All that should be enough to explain why the restaurant is seeing more action than a shoe store hawking the new Yeezys (btw, Kanye also loves The Cheesecake Factory), but if it doesn’t, let’s take a trip through some of the restaurant’s 250+ menu items to further cement the fact that this quaint eatery is proof of a kind and benevolent god exists. [And also loves us (but knows that we are at our best when he bestows his love in moderation, which is why there are such long lines).] And before you get on me for extolling the virtues of a menu that boasts more items than five restaurants put together, just because Gordon Ramsay is always on about how “a smaller menu makes a restaurant successful,” let me hit you with this: Literally everything at The Cheesecake Factory tastes amazing. Everything. (And again, we can fight if you disagree; meet me in the parking lot behind the restaurant at 4pm. I’ll be the one with cake all over my face.)