There are two questions that are usually best left unasked in most science fiction, but especially in Star Wars.
1. Where do people poop?
Though Wookiepeedia does explain the “refreshers” in the Star Wars universe in painful detail, because Wookiepeedia. (Note: until otherwise informed, I will continue to believe Jabba the Hutt does his necessaries in a hot tub).
2. What does everyone eat?
Wookiepeedia has several pages for this as well (again, because Wookiepeedia), but there are a few, if uninspired, food scenes in the movies.
Like Aunt Beru’s blue milk. Which, let’s all remember, comes from the teats of furry sand elephants.
Bribing teddy bears with cookies.
And a meeting in a ’50s-style diner. Because intergalactic wizards love ’50s nostalgia.
But as much as the food sucked a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, chefs are cooking up some tasty Star Wars-inspired treats right here and now. Best of all, not a single one of them comes from a bantha teat.
Star Wars Cookie Plate at Faith and Flower
This popular downtown LA restaurant (and purveyors of a milk punch cocktail strong enough to melt Anakin’s face off a second time) is offering a Star Wars-themed mignardise plate (which is fancy people talk for a cookie platter) with a caramel-filled Darth Vader helmet, an absinthe candy light saber, and Han Solo frozen in dark chocolate carbonite.
(Note: I may have reenacted this scene before eating, much to the dismay of everyone at the table.)
All of the offerings were tasty enough that I polished off the entire cookie plank even after gorging on fancy ceviche and milk liquor, but the real star here was definitely the chocolate Millennium Falcon, which may have inspired further dramatic reenactments.
The Wampa Punch at Thirsty Crow
The Silver Lake bar with the look and feel of New Orleans Square in Disneyland (with slightly higher alcohol content and wallet damage than the Magic Kingdom) is offering a Wampa Punch cocktail, based on the monster from space Norway in The Empire Strikes Back.
Though getting mauled by a galactic yeti is one of the few things that is objectively worse than settling a bar tab at the Thirsty Crow. (Note: I can speak from exhaustive experience on at least one of these things)
Blue Milk at Sassafras Saloon
The annoyingly trendy Hollywood bar with the undeniably fantastic cocktails is serving “Blue Milk” made with coconut cream, Beefeater 24 gin, Blue Curacao, Giffard vanilla syrup, Orgeat, pineapple juice, and lime juice.
Notably absent: any bodily excretions from giant sand yaks. Because, and lest we forget, in the Star Wars universe, somebody has the actual job of squeezing milk from these things.
The Cantina Brawl at Barrelhouse Flat
This highly rated cocktail lounge in Chicago is pairing the Han Shot First (Buffalo Trace bourbon, Cynar, lemon juice, salt, and egg white) and the Greedo Shot Second (with Green Chartreuse and egg yolk). These drinks are (at no great surprise) somewhat gross when imbibed alone, but the flavors harmonize when downed in the proper sequence.
Or you can switch up the order, and incite further decades of nerd rage.
The Kessel Run at La Cuevita
The Highland Park bar is mixing up a Mescal Espadin Blanco, Luxardo Maraschino Liqueur, lime juice, and Crème de Violette cocktail inspired by the intergalactic smuggler’s route. After you’ve finished your beverage, lie in wait for somebody to make a joke about drinking it in “twelve parsecs,” then rush in to tell them parsecs are actually a measurement of distance and not time.
Because everyone loves being interrupted with science facts.
Star Wars Ice Cream from Ample Hills Creamery
We’ve already covered the Brooklyn ice cream store’s joint venture with Disney, and while both flavors appear to be delicious, it does seem needlessly cruel for customers to be forced to make an assessment of their own light or dark nature while standing in the checkout line. Because eating ice cream (at least when done properly) provides ample opportunities for personal judgment, anyway.
…Although every other food and beverage mentioned in this article has been prepared by professional chefs, the amateur cook can get into the Star Wars food experience too. Just like this homemade Yoda pizza.
Which has the unique distinction of being simultaneously the best and worst pizza portrait of Yoda in existence.
Or this Darth Maul-inspired dip:
Sometimes art can speak, and that dip is saying two words very clearly: “kill me.”
