Love, dating, relationships — they’re all hard work. And sometimes navigating the treacherous territory that makes up matters of the heart is a journey you can’t go on alone. But what do you do when you can’t afford a therapist, don’t want to bother your friends (because they’ve heard it all before), and have no idea whether your reaction to something is just right or overblown? You turn to the app store, where you can find apps that will help you solve even the thorniest of problems by crowdsourcing answers for you (OK) or connecting you with a licensed professional who wants to help you live your best life (a much better option). But does downloading advice help? One woman tried it to find out.
Refinery 29’s Bianca Heyward tried two apps — Jyst and Relationup — and came away with some mixed but positive feelings. If you’re wondering how exactly a relationship app can help you do better in love (after all, you’re just crowdsourcing answers, are you really going to whip out your phone and show your partner?), Heyward points out that it all has to do with feeling comfortable, safe, and believing others out there might have the answers you don’t. In fact, when she tried Jyst — an app created for women to speak freely about love — she found herself reassured by the fact that others could provide her with a perspective that she might not have…even when the answer is really, really obvious.
It was empowering thinking I knew the answers to strangers’ relationship problems. How could these women be asking questions that I could answer without thinking twice? If your partner cheated on you multiple times, sorry, but that’s a deal-breaker. Isn’t that obvious? Or is it just obvious to me, since my own emotions aren’t on the line?
But in posing my own questions, my feelings from before — knowing in my core that I was helping someone with a seemingly obvious relationship problem — also helped. I found myself in what truly felt like a safe space. I could anonymously seek out advice, and also give out my own to others. Not only did I find it personally helpful, but I also felt good about — and confident in — my responses to a strangers’ dating dilemma.
Jyst, Heyward points out is meant for women, but since it’s completely anonymous, there’s no way to truly stop someone from signing up just to troll the people asking earnest, if grammatically challenged, questions. And the results aren’t always trustworthy. One question, which asked users to yay or nay a potential reconnection between partners after a separation had most people going “nope” even without any background context. Nice if you just want someone to give you the vindication you want, not so helpful when you need real advice. (Plus, just because someone’s been through a few relationships doesn’t mean they know that much.) (I’ve been with my husband for eight years and I still couldn’t tell you how to fix your relationship).
The second app Heyward tried, Relationup, was quite different. Instead of asking strangers with no credentials to comment on one’s experiences, it actually pairs users with licensed therapists who then provide text-based services for a fee of $12 per 15 minutes, which is pricey ($48 an hour), but not quite as cost-prohibitive as seeing a therapist in a large metropolitan area ($120-$180 an hour). And the results were very different.
The interface is just like a text convo, where you can ask questions, judgment-free. From there, you just talk. You’ve got 20 minutes to chat for free. When there are only three minutes left, you get a warning, plus the option to pay $12 for 15 more. It might sound pricey, but if you’re having a good conversation and getting great advice — totally worth it (especially when compared to the price of your average therapist).
However, I do feel that when talking to a therapist, they really have to get to know you in order to really help and get to the core of a problem. That is hard given that you only have 20 minutes, unless you’re mostly looking to vent or maybe a quick-fix type of thing. But, if you liked your experience with a particular therapist, you can also book a future appointment to further delve into your own issues — it doesn’t have to be a one-off.
As someone who’s used online therapy tools (because my own shrink disappeared in a puff of mist without any explanation… hope she’s doing okay), I can safely say that the experience varies based on the therapist. But Heyward’s right in pointing out that while apps may not be the best venue to facilitate a deep connection, they can certainly be a start and seeing someone more than once might be helpful. In a world in which we’re increasingly using our fingers to talk instead of our voices (#Ariel), however, it’s likely that apps like this will only get more and more popular.
Are they helpful? Sure. Will they save your relationship? For right now, they may be more novelty than anything else.
