Constantly Dickish Mosquitoes May Have Unlocked The Cure For Cancer

10.19.15 2 years ago 3 Comments

Here at Uproxx we love animals. If we had our own mixtape, “The Circle of Life” would definitely be somewhere on the B side. But as much as we love animals, even the ones who can be dicks sometimes, we have spent our lives hating mosquitoes because they are dicks all the time.

Reasons Why Mosquitoes Are Dicks

1. They make a super annoying buzzing noise. Virtually every second of their lives.

2. They drink blood like vampires, but have none of the brooding, dangerous, orientation-scrambling sexuality of vampires.

3. They have ability to fly which is jealousy-inducing.

4. Oodles and oodles of murder.

And just how many murders are in an “oodle,” you may ask? How about 725,000. That’s how many people die every year from malaria and other infectious diseases contracted from mosquitoes. Humans are responsible for 475,000 deaths a year. Sharks only kill 10. Selfie accidents kill even more. Arnold Schwarzenegger “only” killed 81 people in Commando. That means mosquitoes kill 894,962 percent more people every year than prime Schwarzenegger during a pun-filled murder rampage.

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