On Christmas Day, my wife, her family, and I watched as my mother-in-law’s boyfriend (in his first holiday with us) read aloud the PG love letter that she’d written on his Christmas card. She beamed and I looked on, nodding my approval with a faint smile, meant to hide my internal eye roll. Because it was mushy and I can be cynical sometimes. But the more I think about that moment, the more I admire the kind of courage love bestows, especially in those early days when self-awareness vanishes, failing to hold us back.
You’ve seen sitcoms, your parents, and/or your own relationship: you know that performative romantic gestures can start to feel like a less than organic act as time goes by. You don’t need to write 100-point lists on what your partner means to you every day or go broke sending flowers for your weekly anniversaries. That would be exhausting (for all sides) and a little psychotic. You both know how deeply you care for each other. Because your love is conveyed through glances, thoughtful actions, and a well-honed shorthand.
Sounds pretty hot, right? It actually can be. Trust the guy who has been happily married for ten years: don’t sleep on blissed-out comfort and a higher plain of intimacy. But also, don’t lose hold of the courage required to sound like a love-drunk idiot so that you can make your partner feel loved, special, and capable of moving you. Especially on Valentine’s Day.
How to embrace (or re-discover) that courage while choosing the right words to express love often eludes us all. There are times when, though you feel it, you just can’t put capture your adoration. But I’m here to tell you to push past the frustrations and embrace your inner Shakespeare. Because requiring the power of your unspoken bond to do all the heavy relationship lifting is akin to taking what you’ve got for granted. And no good comes from going down that road.
Here is a lifelong letter writer’s advice for the perfect Valentine’s Day ode to your beloved:
Acknowledge The Bumps In The Road
My wife and I have experienced the full thrust of our wedding vows: “in sickness and in health; for richer or for poorer.” Evoking harder times can feel like a downer, but if you’ve come out through the other side of a challenge (or if you’re in the process of doing that), then that’s a part of your life and love. You don’t have to recount details, but it’s okay to mention that you’ve conquered some things and that your love is stronger for having done so.
Be real. The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fire, right? Celebrate that.
Be Funny, But Don’t Try Too Hard
Don’t go too heavy, too steamy, too cuddly cute, or too funny. Mix in a couple of clever observations about your life together, maybe get a little self-deprecating or play on the Valentine’s Day tropes that you’re deftly sidestepping. No one doubts your sense of humor, but a Valentine’s Day card should make the recipient smile, even laugh, then reach for something deeper.
Don’t Be Shy, But Don’t Go Overboard
If you have the kind of relationship where dirty talk works for both of you, go forth and kinkify. But make sure you bring your A-game. This isn’t a lazily constructed sext. Get descriptive, but also, dance around the actual act and paint a picture of the lead-up. Where are your hands going to go, what about your lips? Build the anticipation without ignoring the heat and you’ll run into each other’s arms like you’re doing Notebook cosplay when you get home.
Still…if you feel like you’re veering toward something Penthouse Forum would reject on grounds of obscenity, and that’s not par-for-the-relationship, maybe pull back a touch? You can always whisper the naughtier things when you’re in bed together later.
Use Science
It’s hard to apply any kind of formula to something that needs to come from someone’s heart. But with that said, Sternberg’s Theory Of Love does offer a guide for those who seek balance in their message to their partner: specifically, it breaks down the three key elements of a relationship: passion, intimacy, and commitment.
If you’re in a long-term relationship, maybe your card will be more likely to connect if you spend some time on those areas in the text.
Make It Personal
I’m sure the people (or algorithms) who write greeting cards are swell, but they don’t know you or your significant other. Even if a card feels like it captures everything you want to say, don’t let it be the messenger. Sending a love note is a deeply personal thing. You’re supposed to mine these words from deep within you. Save the pre-written cards for Susan from HR’s birthday.
Feel Something
Admittedly, I don’t write love notes to my wife nearly enough, but when I do, I search for something to say until I feel something within me — a strong punch of emotion and maybe even a few tears. If what I’m saying about her and to her means so much to me that it can spark that level of emotion, then, I assume, it will touch her. Obviously, that doesn’t have to be your North Star, but make sure you’re moved by what you’re writing in some way. Above all else, don’t be flippant about what you’re saying. Flippant isn’t sexy.
Ask Around
You’re here, trusting me, so clearly you’re open to suggestions. But I’m just a guy who has managed to not screw up a marriage. And in accomplishing that not-insignificant feat, I’ve kept my eyes and ears open. That’s why I reached out to a few colleagues to see what they want in a love note. So take their advice into consideration as well, then find what works for you. Also, don’t be afraid to ask your own friends about what they like to see. It might open you up to a few new ideas.
“I want a degree of lust. I have plenty of pals. If there’s no sexual edge to it, you can just text me. But something steamy? I’m down to keep that in a drawer.” – Steve Bramucci
“I value boldness in love letters. And handwritten-ness. No emails or f*cking texts, please.” – Jennifer C. Martin
“I do not like verbose, flowery poetry. I think I may be bad at being a girl. But I think, above all, it has to be honest and reveal something that may not have been previously voiced. Details are key. There has to be something that wouldn’t be applicable to anyone else.” – Alia Stearns
“I don’t want it to start with my actual name. “Dear Brendan,” or “Brendan” and I’m already in work email mode.” – Brendan O’Brien
“Make me feel like art — rare, valuable. Like you see something others might not see. Express it beautifully. Pick up a thesaurus.” – Hope Carter
Seriously. If you don’t already have a thesaurus next to you while you’re plotting this out, why are you even here?
