PLANTS ARE GOOD FOR YOUR TITS// To all the women that have taken health into their own hands and are triumphantly healing and staying healthy. We honor you all this month and every month. “I kind of blossomed backwards. I got cancer, fell in love and have a magical life. I never imagined it would happen that way, but you just go with the flow, right?” @crazysexykris @jamestheodore @christydawn #breastcancerawareness
A few days ago, the internet rediscovered a May 2015 interview/food diary with “health guru” and Moon Juice founder Amanda Chantal Bacon. Bacon — who’s surely had the irony of her last name pointed out many, many times — regaled Elle Magazine with breathless details about activated chia seeds and enhanced almond cultures and a bunch of other weird-ass sh*t. Sometimes, the whole thing was downright indecipherable:
At 8am, I had a warm, morning chi drink on my way to the school drop off, drunk in the car! It contains more than 25 grams of plant protein, thanks to vanilla mushroom protein and stone ground almond butter, and also has the super endocrine, brain, immunity, and libido- boosting powers of Brain Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin. I throw ho shou wu and pearl in as part of my beauty regime. I chase it with three quinton shots for mineralization and two lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets for energy.
So…yeah, it’s a lot to take in. I mean, thank god the almond butter was stone ground — machine ground almond butter would have weakened the effect of the Shilajit resin.
Surely some copy editor at Elle must have giggled as she tried to beat through a thicket of chewy bee pollen and zucchini ribbons, but the real jokes started when the diary went viral: