October is bad. There, I said it. I feel great about it, too. It’s almost liberating, really. I think… you know what? I’m going to say it again. October is bad. Okay, now let’s do one with italics. October is bad. Oooh. I liked that. That one felt good. I could ride the high I felt from that for hours. Days, maybe. It’s just so clean and pure.
And it feels even better because I hold so few of these kinds of blistering contrarian takes. I’m usually a very calm, reasonable person, to the degree that I can be occasionally infuriating to talk to. (“Ugh, can you even believe what this idiot said?” “Eh, doesn’t seem that bad.” “What do you mean, ‘eh’?”) In fact, now that I think about it, I really only have three major opinions that you could even classify as hot takes: 1) You should put ketchup on your hot dog if you want to, regardless of what the sunglasses-wearing food-types on your television say, because it is your hot dog; 2) The ocean is bad and is not to be trifled with by anyone who doesn’t have a faded tattoo of an anchor on their forearm; and 3) October is bad. That’s it. So when I actually get to rear back and let one fly — something I truly believe, deeply, in my bones — it feels freeing, like I’m soaring through the air.
This isn’t the first time I’ve gone on my anti-October crusade, either. Two years ago I ranked the months of the year and slotted October in at number 10, ahead of only January and February. People still yell at me about that sometimes. That’s okay, though. People yelled at Galileo, too. But did Galileo back down? No! He kept speaking truth to power. (“The sun is the center of the solar system. Do not @ me.” — Galileo.) And that is what I will do here. Speak truth to power, just like Galileo. Exactly like Galileo. Except for the part where he went to prison instead of recanting. I will recant before this gets that far. I will super recant, assuming “super recanting” is a thing that exists. October is bad, sure. But prison is worse. I will give October that and that only.
Here’s what we’re going to do. To prove that this is a real stance backed by hard evidence, and not just the rantings of some unhinged maniac with a WordPress account (they are definitely that, too, but not just that), let’s take all of your pro-October arguments and shoot them down one by one.