These are terrifying times. Our country is going through a huge transition of power and everyone is scared that their rights are going to be taken away, or that we’ll go to war. Both are pretty scary propositions, I’ll grant you.
But in our worries about the future of our nation, we’ve completely overlooked THE MOST IMPORTANT THREAT OF ALL. Because the biggest danger to our nation isn’t Donald Trump, or Russia, or immigration, or lack of healthcare, or basic human rights being taken away. No.
It’s zombies. And until we wake up and smell the undead flesh that will soon be amassing in hordes to consume us, we’ll continue to be woefully underprepared for the biggest threat to not only face all of humanity. But don’t panic just yet, you can survive this. If I’ve learned anything from zombie movies, TV, and books, it’s that if you have the necessary skills you can beat the ridiculous odds. (Unless you’re not hot. Sadly, you need to be attractive or you’re definitely going to die).
If you want to thrive in out post-apocalyptic future, you’re going to have to get in shape. Here are the physical skills we should run not walk to our local gyms to perfect (And let’s face it we should practice running anyway).
1. Cardio
If the zombies get too close just trip one of your friends as a distraction. A delicious, undead distraction.
You better start training to be a runner now, because whether they’re the George Romero slow zombies or the 28 Days Later fast ones, your best bet is going to be to RUN AWAY. So begin your cardio training intensively. The last thing you want is to be the undead’s dinner simply because you couldn’t get off the couch and run for half an hour every morning.
Remember zombies are relentless and they never tire so you’re going to want to be in marathon shape. Start by figuring out how long you can run, (it’s okay if it’s just a mile or two!) and then begin increasing your distance a little every day. Shoot to run ten percent longer every week (more than ten percent can cause injury leaving you VERY vulnerable to the undead) until you can run long distances easily. And remember to cross train your cardio! Add in bicycling and swimming to get your heart and body into the best shape possible. Plus, being able to swim is great for zombies as clearly all they can do is float around — flailing and snapping their jaws at you.
2. Wall Climbing
Luckily as the buildings (and society!) crumble, there will be more and more good foot holds!
Look, inevitably, you’re going to be in a situation where you made it into the city to find supplies or survivors or, like, a radio to reach the CDC or something, and a horde of zombies will start chasing you. It’s just definitely going to happen. And then as you race around corners, you’ll find yourself suddenly confronted with the dead end of an alley. It will look like you’re toast, but YOU WON’T BE. Because that’s when your climbing skills are going to be your best friend. You’ll scamper up the wall or be lightening fast up the nearest chain link fence.
So sign up for a climbing class at your local gym ASAP. And begin working those muscles. You’ll thank me when absolutely everyone but you is dead.
3. Hurdles
You’re going to be jumping over a lot of dead bodies. And that’s the face you’ll make when you leap over all of your loved ones’ corpses FOR SURE.
Make sure in your cardio routine that you’re also training for hurdles. You have to think you’ll be jumping and scrambling over all sorts of barriers during the end of days. And that split second where you can leap like a gazelle over the concrete barrier the army put across the road (before they were completely and utterly decimated) could be the difference between life and death. Or un-death (as the case may be).
4. Tumbling
I can’t tell you how likely it is that you’re going to have to safely tumble out of a moving car as it distracts the zombies (about to kill your whole family) or tumble roll under something at the very last minute. I can’t tell you because all but a few scientists refuse to study the likelihood of various zombie related scenarios. But I can tell you that the skills you’ll gain by being flexible and able to leap and roll at will-will almost certainly be a life saver.
5. Combat
It is vital that you take a sword combat class right this very minute. Maybe you’re thinking, “Oh I’ll just SHOOT the zombies”. Well, that’s awfully short sighted, my friend. Bullets run out. But your trusty sword? That can behead endless zombies. Just imagine yourself on a sweet motorcycle, one hand on the (clutch? I really don’t know anything about motorcycles. Note to self: Learn how to ride a motorcycle) and the other on your sword just plowing right through your former friends and coworkers as they run at you from every direction, hungry for your flesh.
But first you’re going to have to learn how to safely yield this weapon so you don’t accidentally chop off your own hand or miss the head and get your sword stuck in the gut of a 200 pound trucker chomping for your brain. So enroll in a fencing or stage combat class. And learn how to be incredibly bad ass.
6. Lifting
You’re going to need your strength to rebuild society as we know it. Think of all the supplies you’ll have to move alone! So start a responsible lifting schedule at the gym so you can throw around sacks of flour, potatoes, or corpses that you’re throwing in a pit to burn like it’s nothing! Building muscles will just make you way healthier and stronger in general. Thus upping your chances of survival significantly. So lift away!
And remember, train now because the zombie apocalypse is imminent and we want you to survive!
