Ready or not, the holidays have arrived. Time for parties, presents, and painstakingly mixed cocktails. Themed cookies and cakes shall soon crumble into your waiting mouth, and your family (as awesome as they are) may soon drive you insane due to their unavoidable proximity.
This time of year, the absurd notion that couples have more fun than “lonely” singletons gets floated a lot. But that’s just not true. To prove the point, we decided to power rank the advantages of flying solo through holidays:
9. Fewer Presents, Less Stress, Mo’ Money
No more time or money shall be wasted on buying a present for the person who hates everything. No more hope shall ring false while watching someone feign delight at your painstakingly selected gift. No more disingenuous energy shall be expended as you pretend to really appreciate a boiled-egg slicer.
Instead, you can order a pizza, dance in your underwear, and appreciate the true spirit of the season. At least you’re not this miserable guy:
8. You Will Not Be In Danger Of A Feared Holiday Breakup
This point seems obvious, but did you realize that the holidays are the most popular times for breakups? If you’re single, you won’t waste any time crying into your hot Kahlua and vodka. No one will dare to ask you to behave reasonably and stop drinking.
Best of all, there will be no ridiculous arguments in the manner of this couple.
7. Would You Rather Stay In And Avoid Holiday Madness? No Problem
Do you feel like binge-watching Charlie Hunnam’s brilliant, brawling manliness on Sons of Anarchy for no reason at all? Go right ahead. You can also get sh*tfaced and lip-sync dreadful, 1980s easy-listening music for an entire evening, and no one will judge you.
Will you be miserable? Lip-synching ’80s music? Hell no!
6. You Only Have To Attend One Office Christmas Party
You will no longer be responsible for helping a significant other look better in the eyes of their co-workers. You will not have to stand patiently by as they size you up.
It’s an unfair level of pressure. Anything you do at the party (good or bad) reflects upon your partner, and this, in turn, affects your relationship. God forbid anyone asks whether or not your mate farts after you’ve had a few drinks.
However, you can go to your own office party and reenact this moment.
5. You Can Flirt To Your Little Black Heart’s Content
Even if you’ve recently been through a bad breakup, who cares? Flirting isn’t really about the end goal, it’s about the possibility of an end goal. Or even the possibility of meeting someone interesting for an hour or an evening. Flirting is all about letting someone flatter you, and vice versa. Think of all those fuzzy feelings you could be missing out on while stuck in a relationship!
5-1 says Tinder’s servers are overwhelmed on December 25.
4. You Can Limit The Crazy To Your Own Family
Listen to Tolstoy, who had the right idea: “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Many extended families endure each other’s presences during the holidays while they secretly can’t wait to get away until next year.
Do you want double exposure on that kind of discomfort?
3. You Can Watch Whatever Movie You Want On Christmas
Everyone knows that Christmas is the best time to go see a movie. Nothing else is open, and much of the really good sh*t comes out that day, but you don’t have to go sit through something schmaltzy or dramatic-looking like Joy. Look, Jennifer Lawrence is great (and you’ll watch that movie eventually), but we know how things are really gonna roll this holiday season — with The Hateful Eight.
Alternate play here: Watch The Godfather (definitely not a couples movie) and realize how, like oranges, Christmas is a harbinger of doom and misery for the Corleones.
2. New Year’s Eve Could Finally Be Magical
Has anyone ever been to a New Year’s celebration with a significant other and not been driven nuts in the process? The planning, the drinking, the timing, and the execution of becoming just drunk enough at the stroke of midnight — it’s too much stress. It’s much more relaxing to keep possibilities open, hang loose, and have fun with friends. If a kiss happens at midnight, all good. If it doesn’t, then at least you won’t have to witness anyone else’s hangover in the morning.
By the way, this scene from When Harry Met Sally is not reality, folks.
1. Next Year Might Be Better
Think of all the newly broken-up couples, who were all too weak to withstand all the holiday pressure. They’re alllll yours for the taking. Go get ’em, tiger, but make sure you enjoy the holidays first. These could be your last moments as a singleton, and next year, all of the above woes might be yours.
