Secret menus at chain restaurants are something most people know about but pretend not to — like bands leaving the stage when you’re sure they’re giving an encore, or Trump not being able to read. This air of mystery, even if it’s fake, is part of what makes secret menus fun.
Who doesn’t love to go up to the counter, wink, and ask the worker to make something that not everyone (but actually everyone) knows about. True, it’s even more fun if absolutely no one knows about the item (including the cashier), but you can only say “I’ll take the Cincinnati big purple dog whale,” so many times at McDonald’s before the teen working the register either calls the police or invents something spectacular then throws it at you.
As much as it pains me to be unoriginal, the following list consists of more conventional secret menu items that you can actually get. And I’ve ranked them scientifically from worst to best. Please note: This list doesn’t feature every secret menu item in the world (that would be a very long list, so don’t @ me). They’re just popular items at popular eating establishments ranked by a super popular writer who you all love and about whom you write long letters to the editor with the subject “Give Allison A Huge Raise.”