Not satisfied with just spreading heart disease, the American pork industry has expanded into the business of spreading love. Yesterday, Oscar Mayer (of the “I guess this is what it’s supposed to taste like” bologna, unsafe vehicles, and catchy cannibalism-based jingles) released Sizzl, a bacon-based Tinder knockoff available for the iPhone. This unprecedented move simultaneously murdered the flourishing fads of both enjoying smoked breakfast meats and utilizing online platforms for anonymous sex (though the video is surprisingly funny).
Unlike Tinder’s swipe left and right interface, Sizzle utilizes a “Sizzl-meter.” As explained in their FAQ section:
Holding down the Sizzl-meter indicates your level of interest. The Longer you hold, the more Sizzl you feel for them…Whether you give someone a low, medium, or hot Sizzl, it’s for your eyes only.
And while Oscar Meyer has been chasing the dragon of viral marketing for quite some time now (with varying degrees of success), Sizzl appears to be their most ambitious effort yet. According to a statement from Eric Dahmer, Oscar Mayer’s marketing director: (via Tech Crunch)
In love, as it is in bacon, it’s important to be discerning when selecting your perfect match and to never settle for less than the best…With the launch of Sizzl, we’re thrilled to give our true bacon lovers the chance to find each other and potentially meet their soulmates, in life and in bacon.
While many very reasonable people might argue that Sizzl is just another inch of downward slope in our society’s inevitable slide toward Idiocracy, unlike Tinder and Grindr where matches are made primarily on mutual attraction and blood alcohol content, at least Sizzl encourages users to connect over a shared interest (even one as common as bacon). Which, by phone-based dating standards is almost as quaint as porch courting.
In this reporter’s humble opinion, sex is a beautiful, essential, magical expression of love between two (or more) consenting “sexual being[s]” who just met through an app on their phones. And cynical commercialism simply has no place in an act this pure.
So for those out there who cannot resist the sensual thrill of combining their sexuality and their cured meats, I urge you to not sign up for Sizzl. Instead, go trolling for tail at the Waffle House like decent folk have done since time immemorial.
