A Restaurant’s Fight Over Baby Buttholes Has Ignited A Firestorm Of Controversy

Life & Culture Editor
07.07.17 7 Comments

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Happy Friday! Let’s talk about baby buttholes. Specifically, let’s talk about the baby buttholes (okay, just one) allegedly on display at Memphis’ Imagine Vegan, which may, if these reports are true, have to amend its awning to read “Imagine Vegan: Where Buttholes Fly Free And If You Want To Start S*it About It, We’ll Finish It.” And also: “Don’t Piss Off Mama Bear.”

In order for you to understand why the hell Mama Bear’s so pissed — unfortunately it has nothing to do with porridge — you’re going to need a little bit of background on the vicious war that’s claiming casualties in the heartland and gripping the eyeballs of literally everyone you know right now because it’s a slow week in July and if your bosses really wanted you to work than they would have given you the third off, because what the hell is this “day off in the middle of the week” BS? Right?

Okay, so imagine this (unless you have a particularly vivid imagination): A woman named Chelsea Bartley recently visited Imagine Vegan and what she saw was too much to bear. She had visited the restaurant previously and ignored all the shenanigans that went on there — there have been unsubstantiated reports of breastmilk being left out and the owners running someone over with a van? — but this time she had to speak out because a bare-naked baby with dirty feet got up on her table, leaned over, let their precious little buttcheeks yawn open, and presented “its” tiny butthole for inspection.

Then, Bartley’s review alleges, another child — this one older — wandered over to yodel and stare at her, although it’s not clear if this happened in a separate incident after the butthole was presented or whether the older child saw the butthole, knew from experience that it shouldn’t be observed in hushed silence, and immediately ran over to give it the respect it deserved, after which both children bowed and shouted “The Aristocrats!” before running off to bless another lucky patron.

Here’s a screenshot of the review, via Google:

Google

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